Every behaviour has a positive intent for the person exhibiting the specific behaviour.
Therefore people continue to use a certain set of behaviours (skills) because that set of behaviours (skills) actually continues to work for them.
Behaviour is a skill, it is learned and practiced, and we keep and refine the one's that work for us.
We, as adults, would not continue to carry out a specific behaviour if we failed to get what we were initially after.
So it is the same for children.
As wise people are reported to have said 'The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but expect a different result', this situation obviously leads to continued disappointment and frustration.
Fortunately, for those of us who experience challenging behaviour from our children, this fact provides us with a solution.
We must change something so that the particular behaviour in question fails to satisfy the child's needs or desire.
There are a number of principles associated with influencing the behaviour of others the first being: You can not make anyone but yourself do anything.
Therefore you need to control or manage yourself in order to influence the behaviour of anyone else.
If we can only mange and control ourselves, then it becomes logical that in order to influence the 'inappropriate' behaviour of others (our sons or daughters, other significant others) we must make changes to our approach (what we are doing).
This is not as difficult as it sounds as most of us already have the skills.
Women constantly influence the behaviour of men through putting on some seductive lingerie, cooking a favourite meal, whilst men frequently influence women by doing those little annoying things prior to being asked? And usually in order to soften them up to ask for what we want.
So we have the first piece in the puzzle to changing someone's behaviour.
Change our behaviours.
Again, we already have the necessary skills as demonstrated by Mothers ignoring the child who is behaving inappropriately, or even in the 'olden' days when a child would say "I'm bored" mum would distract them by giving them some insignificant task or saying "go outside and find something to do" mum knew the benefit of changing focus.
This distraction method is excellent for stopping a child in the middle of a well rehearsed tantrum.
The following example will provided some direct suggestions on how this strategy can influence a child's behaviour.
Firstly we must plan an alternative reaction to our well practiced and rehearsed reaction, (yes reactions because we usually react rather than think things through on the spot - we did to retrain ourselves) that we can use and practice next time certain frustrating situation arise.
Take the example where your son continually fails to place his dirty clothes in the washing basket.
Now mum even through her frustration of continually asking him to place his clothes in the basket, will continue to pick up after him.
So in fact he actually continues to get what he wants, clean clothes put in his dresser and cupboards.
So the only person this behaviour is not working for is Mum.
A change in strategy form mum might include changing what she does.
That is STOP picking up after him.
This will lead to a lack of clean clothes for the child.
If you must pick up (due to wanting to maintain a clean house) place the dirty clothes on the child's bed, only wash those clothes that actually make it to the washing basket.
It is important that there be some learning on the child's behalf in all of this.
The child needs to develop an appreciation of why to is important to his mother.
So after you have endured his whinging about no clean clothes, or his washing not being done, you can explain in a quiet and controlled voice ' the rule is clothes for washing are placed in the washing basket, clothes not in the basket do not need washing' and you can also advise him as to how it makes you feel unappreciated when you are ignored and have to pick up after him in order to keep the home clean and presentable for visitors and friends.
Therefore people continue to use a certain set of behaviours (skills) because that set of behaviours (skills) actually continues to work for them.
Behaviour is a skill, it is learned and practiced, and we keep and refine the one's that work for us.
We, as adults, would not continue to carry out a specific behaviour if we failed to get what we were initially after.
So it is the same for children.
As wise people are reported to have said 'The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing but expect a different result', this situation obviously leads to continued disappointment and frustration.
Fortunately, for those of us who experience challenging behaviour from our children, this fact provides us with a solution.
We must change something so that the particular behaviour in question fails to satisfy the child's needs or desire.
There are a number of principles associated with influencing the behaviour of others the first being: You can not make anyone but yourself do anything.
Therefore you need to control or manage yourself in order to influence the behaviour of anyone else.
If we can only mange and control ourselves, then it becomes logical that in order to influence the 'inappropriate' behaviour of others (our sons or daughters, other significant others) we must make changes to our approach (what we are doing).
This is not as difficult as it sounds as most of us already have the skills.
Women constantly influence the behaviour of men through putting on some seductive lingerie, cooking a favourite meal, whilst men frequently influence women by doing those little annoying things prior to being asked? And usually in order to soften them up to ask for what we want.
So we have the first piece in the puzzle to changing someone's behaviour.
Change our behaviours.
Again, we already have the necessary skills as demonstrated by Mothers ignoring the child who is behaving inappropriately, or even in the 'olden' days when a child would say "I'm bored" mum would distract them by giving them some insignificant task or saying "go outside and find something to do" mum knew the benefit of changing focus.
This distraction method is excellent for stopping a child in the middle of a well rehearsed tantrum.
The following example will provided some direct suggestions on how this strategy can influence a child's behaviour.
Firstly we must plan an alternative reaction to our well practiced and rehearsed reaction, (yes reactions because we usually react rather than think things through on the spot - we did to retrain ourselves) that we can use and practice next time certain frustrating situation arise.
Take the example where your son continually fails to place his dirty clothes in the washing basket.
Now mum even through her frustration of continually asking him to place his clothes in the basket, will continue to pick up after him.
So in fact he actually continues to get what he wants, clean clothes put in his dresser and cupboards.
So the only person this behaviour is not working for is Mum.
A change in strategy form mum might include changing what she does.
That is STOP picking up after him.
This will lead to a lack of clean clothes for the child.
If you must pick up (due to wanting to maintain a clean house) place the dirty clothes on the child's bed, only wash those clothes that actually make it to the washing basket.
It is important that there be some learning on the child's behalf in all of this.
The child needs to develop an appreciation of why to is important to his mother.
So after you have endured his whinging about no clean clothes, or his washing not being done, you can explain in a quiet and controlled voice ' the rule is clothes for washing are placed in the washing basket, clothes not in the basket do not need washing' and you can also advise him as to how it makes you feel unappreciated when you are ignored and have to pick up after him in order to keep the home clean and presentable for visitors and friends.