Many of us have this vision of how our relationship should look and with that vision we create defined expectations of our partner sharing that same picture perfect image. So when we make that discovery that important aspects of our current lives are not parallel to our vision, we may decide to deliver an ultimatum to get what we want. For example, I’ve heard girls telling their friends, “I told him that if I don’t get a ring by May 15th, it’s over!” But is that really how your want your proposal to take place? Out of fear of losing you? Wouldn’t you much rather he proposes because he is completely convinced that you’re the one and he’s ready for that next step? To take it a step further, why hasn’t he asked you?
Look at the relationship and communicate with your partner on your discoveries. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and when your focus is on the end game, like in this example the proposal, you may be getting wrapped up in something that may not be a good idea to begin with. Is he really the right fit for you? If so, then are you willing to do the work to connect with him on such a level that he cannot imagine life without you? That’s when you’ll get the ring. When you are connected. Ultimatums tend to disconnect the couple because they create a deep and uncomfortable tension. Force never gives you the result you really want. Think about when you can’t sleep. You’re trying so hard to relax but getting the opposite result. You toss and turn and look at the clock every 5 minutes. It’s only when you give up on trying to fall asleep that you actually fall asleep! Who knew? When you give up on trying to get that ring and just enjoy your relationship then guess what…you’re more likely to get engaged!
Ultimatums are ultimately created out of insecurity, fear, anger and frustration. All negative emotions. Stay away from them! Focus on the important positive aspects that make or break a relationship: consideration, trust, commitment, acceptance and love. Remember, an ultimatum will put the person receiving it on the defense. When anyone is in defensive mode, they are not open to what you are communicating to them, they are focused on their own perspective and defending their stance. This creates a concrete barrier in the communication which leads to an argument and then nothing is accomplished other than distance between you and your partner.
Now let’s take a quick look at why you are feeling like you need to force a certain issue. Are you on a strict life timeline and you need to meet your pregnancy deadline? Not a good reason to get married. Most ultimatums happen because one looks at their partner and they decide they are not meeting their expectations. But here’s an important piece of advice, you do not want to change someone into your perfect mold of who you want them to be. When you do that, the person is no longer themselves around you, and the only time they can be themselves is when you’re not around. That is a recipe for disaster! When you look at your partner ask yourself if you are settling. Are you in the relationship because he/she is fulfilling a certain need you have but in the overall scheme of things your true needs aren’t being met? Or maybe, they are exactly what you’ve always wanted and you realize that you are the one that needs to bend and change a little.
If you realize that the relationship does fulfill 80% of your needs and desires (the 20% are things you don’t necessarily like but you are willing to accept because you love them), than work harder to nourish it. Focus on today and try to be the sunshine that makes your partners life brighter. Of course, there are going to be times when you disagree, but pick your battles. If you decide that they aren’t fulfilling the 80%, then it’s time to move on. Either way, take the high road, maintain positive communication and leave the need for ultimatums and expectations by the roadside. Only then can you truly have what you want.
Look at the relationship and communicate with your partner on your discoveries. Communication is the key to a healthy relationship and when your focus is on the end game, like in this example the proposal, you may be getting wrapped up in something that may not be a good idea to begin with. Is he really the right fit for you? If so, then are you willing to do the work to connect with him on such a level that he cannot imagine life without you? That’s when you’ll get the ring. When you are connected. Ultimatums tend to disconnect the couple because they create a deep and uncomfortable tension. Force never gives you the result you really want. Think about when you can’t sleep. You’re trying so hard to relax but getting the opposite result. You toss and turn and look at the clock every 5 minutes. It’s only when you give up on trying to fall asleep that you actually fall asleep! Who knew? When you give up on trying to get that ring and just enjoy your relationship then guess what…you’re more likely to get engaged!
Ultimatums are ultimately created out of insecurity, fear, anger and frustration. All negative emotions. Stay away from them! Focus on the important positive aspects that make or break a relationship: consideration, trust, commitment, acceptance and love. Remember, an ultimatum will put the person receiving it on the defense. When anyone is in defensive mode, they are not open to what you are communicating to them, they are focused on their own perspective and defending their stance. This creates a concrete barrier in the communication which leads to an argument and then nothing is accomplished other than distance between you and your partner.
Now let’s take a quick look at why you are feeling like you need to force a certain issue. Are you on a strict life timeline and you need to meet your pregnancy deadline? Not a good reason to get married. Most ultimatums happen because one looks at their partner and they decide they are not meeting their expectations. But here’s an important piece of advice, you do not want to change someone into your perfect mold of who you want them to be. When you do that, the person is no longer themselves around you, and the only time they can be themselves is when you’re not around. That is a recipe for disaster! When you look at your partner ask yourself if you are settling. Are you in the relationship because he/she is fulfilling a certain need you have but in the overall scheme of things your true needs aren’t being met? Or maybe, they are exactly what you’ve always wanted and you realize that you are the one that needs to bend and change a little.
If you realize that the relationship does fulfill 80% of your needs and desires (the 20% are things you don’t necessarily like but you are willing to accept because you love them), than work harder to nourish it. Focus on today and try to be the sunshine that makes your partners life brighter. Of course, there are going to be times when you disagree, but pick your battles. If you decide that they aren’t fulfilling the 80%, then it’s time to move on. Either way, take the high road, maintain positive communication and leave the need for ultimatums and expectations by the roadside. Only then can you truly have what you want.