Parents often wish they had more tools in their toolboxes, especially when it comes to spanking.
Here are some tried and true tactics for helping kids learn to follow rules-you just need to decide which one is best for you in any given situation.
1.
Time Out: The first thing to know about time-out is whether your child needs it or you do.
If it's your child, read on.
If it's you (you're so fed up you're likely to do something you'll regret), see tip #6.
Time out is most effective when it's used to interrupt a behavior and/or when the child is old enough to think about what he or she has done (ages two and up).
Use time out calmly, and tailor the length of time to the child's age: no more than one minute per year of age.
A five-year-old has a five-minute time out.
A ten-year-old, 10 minutes.
2.
Privilege loss: If the child has abused a privilege, such as throwing a toy, he or she can lose the privilege of playing with the toy away for a time period.
If he or she doesn't turn off the TV or computer when you say to, you can take away that privilege for a time, as well.
With early childhood, use an hour or the afternoon.
For older elementary, try again the next day.
3.
Time In: "Time In", by the book of the same name, is a technique that seeks to prevent and to teach, using four methods: Ask, Act, Attend, and Amend.
(Thanks to Jean Clarke for this information).
Use "ask" to help a child remember the rule.
Ex: "What is our rule about throwing things?" "What is our rule about hurting others?" Use "act" when you need to take action.
This might look like moving a child to a safe place to finish his temper tantrum.
Use "attend" when you know the child is in need of some attention that will help his or her behavior.
Perhaps you will notice when they are on-task or sharing.
Use "amend" when damage has been done to someone or something.
Attend to the hurt child first, and then engage the offender.
Ex: Calmly say, "Look at Jacob's arm.
It's red where the block hit him.
You need to make amends.
" Depending on the age and ability of the child, he or she can decide (with your approval) what to do.
If they are very young, you might say, "Go get the cold pack from the freezer so he can put it on his arm.
" With amends, you help the offender decide what to do to make things better, help him or her do it, and move on.
Be careful of demanding a verbal apology.
This can lead to insincerity and sometimes, frankly, isn't enough.
4.
Natural Consequence: If it won't cause harm, you can let the natural consequence take place.
A child who refuses to wear a coat might be cold during an outing.
A child who doesn't do his homework might have a displeased teacher or get a poor mark in school.
5.
Thinking Time: This is a version of time out where you engage the child after they have had time to think and calm down.
Ask: a.
What happened? b.
Why do you think it happened? and c.
What can you do differently so that it doesn't happen again? It's important to listen and to problem-solve if you use this technique.
For children under five, ask for two alternatives.
After age five, typically developing children can usually come up with three acceptable alternatives.
6.
Take a break: If you're the one who's losing your cool, it might be time for you to up your self-care, take a break, and recharge.
Whether that means a long bubble bath by yourself, a night out with friends, or date night with your partner, find a way to make it happen.
Everyone will benefit.
7.
Learn about Development:Many parenting struggles come from not knowing what to expect at each age.
Knowing what's natural, what's helpful for parents to do, and what you can say can go a long way to smoothing the ride.
For more information, check out these books: Growing Up Again, How Much Is Enough?, Is This a Phase? and Kids Can Cooperate, Time In.
For more information about any of these techniques, contact me for a free consultation to see if parent coaching is a fit for you!
Here are some tried and true tactics for helping kids learn to follow rules-you just need to decide which one is best for you in any given situation.
1.
Time Out: The first thing to know about time-out is whether your child needs it or you do.
If it's your child, read on.
If it's you (you're so fed up you're likely to do something you'll regret), see tip #6.
Time out is most effective when it's used to interrupt a behavior and/or when the child is old enough to think about what he or she has done (ages two and up).
Use time out calmly, and tailor the length of time to the child's age: no more than one minute per year of age.
A five-year-old has a five-minute time out.
A ten-year-old, 10 minutes.
2.
Privilege loss: If the child has abused a privilege, such as throwing a toy, he or she can lose the privilege of playing with the toy away for a time period.
If he or she doesn't turn off the TV or computer when you say to, you can take away that privilege for a time, as well.
With early childhood, use an hour or the afternoon.
For older elementary, try again the next day.
3.
Time In: "Time In", by the book of the same name, is a technique that seeks to prevent and to teach, using four methods: Ask, Act, Attend, and Amend.
(Thanks to Jean Clarke for this information).
Use "ask" to help a child remember the rule.
Ex: "What is our rule about throwing things?" "What is our rule about hurting others?" Use "act" when you need to take action.
This might look like moving a child to a safe place to finish his temper tantrum.
Use "attend" when you know the child is in need of some attention that will help his or her behavior.
Perhaps you will notice when they are on-task or sharing.
Use "amend" when damage has been done to someone or something.
Attend to the hurt child first, and then engage the offender.
Ex: Calmly say, "Look at Jacob's arm.
It's red where the block hit him.
You need to make amends.
" Depending on the age and ability of the child, he or she can decide (with your approval) what to do.
If they are very young, you might say, "Go get the cold pack from the freezer so he can put it on his arm.
" With amends, you help the offender decide what to do to make things better, help him or her do it, and move on.
Be careful of demanding a verbal apology.
This can lead to insincerity and sometimes, frankly, isn't enough.
4.
Natural Consequence: If it won't cause harm, you can let the natural consequence take place.
A child who refuses to wear a coat might be cold during an outing.
A child who doesn't do his homework might have a displeased teacher or get a poor mark in school.
5.
Thinking Time: This is a version of time out where you engage the child after they have had time to think and calm down.
Ask: a.
What happened? b.
Why do you think it happened? and c.
What can you do differently so that it doesn't happen again? It's important to listen and to problem-solve if you use this technique.
For children under five, ask for two alternatives.
After age five, typically developing children can usually come up with three acceptable alternatives.
6.
Take a break: If you're the one who's losing your cool, it might be time for you to up your self-care, take a break, and recharge.
Whether that means a long bubble bath by yourself, a night out with friends, or date night with your partner, find a way to make it happen.
Everyone will benefit.
7.
Learn about Development:Many parenting struggles come from not knowing what to expect at each age.
Knowing what's natural, what's helpful for parents to do, and what you can say can go a long way to smoothing the ride.
For more information, check out these books: Growing Up Again, How Much Is Enough?, Is This a Phase? and Kids Can Cooperate, Time In.
For more information about any of these techniques, contact me for a free consultation to see if parent coaching is a fit for you!