Copyright (c) 2011 Wendy Ponte
In both personal and business coaching we talk a lot about exploring ones values. There are several really good reasons for doing this, but first, let's talk about what the definition of values really is.
In our culture, we hear a lot about getting good value for our money. When we say that, we usually mean we are getting our money's worth and maybe, if we are lucky, we are even getting something a little extra or paying less than what the item is actually worth in dollars. Of course getting a great deal on a set of high-quality golf clubs, for example, might mean a lot more to one person than to another. Someone who hates playing golf will not feel that getting the clubs for a bargain is a good value at any price.
We are probably also all familiar with talking about valuing something in our lives, such as free time with our children, or appreciating when someone is honest with us even when they could get away with not being so honest.
What we can learn from these two familiar uses of the word value is that it is basically synonymous with the word important, and also that what is important, or valuable, is a completely subjective evaluation.
This definition, that values are what is important and that it is different for everybody, works really well in a coaching context. People will often confuse the word value with morals, as if some values can be good and some can be bad.
What you value is what is important to you—what really matters. From your values, you will evaluate any opportunity or object that comes along as being something you would like, or would not like, to incorporate into your life.
At least in an ideal world, that is. And here is where there is room for debate. Can you look at a person's life and come to a concrete and reliable assessment of their values? For example, if Tom Smith works 70 hour weeks on Wall Street and spends every day of his life in the city, but escapes once a year for two weeks to go hiking in remote mountains, can we assess that he values the cut-throat environment of Wall Street more than he values time in nature?
Some would say, absolutely yes. I say maybe—but not definitely. Perhaps our friend Tom was raised by a father who taught him that making a ton of money was the real measure of success and that only hippies and bums spend their days hiking in the wilderness. Maybe he really does value his two weeks in nature far more than the other 50 that he spends cooped up in his office, but hasn't yet been able to honor that.
And maybe he goes hiking in the mountains because his girlfriend threatens to leave him if he doesn't. Who knows?
This is where looking into a person's real values can make a huge difference in their lives. Getting to the bottom of what really matters to that person can help them begin to build a life that matches their values.
There are a lot of methods for honing in on a person's truest and deepest values, but one of the simplest is to ask them to quickly think of one or more peak experiences.
A peak experience is not hard to identify and should not take too much effort. In fact, trying too hard to identify a peak experience might mean that you are evaluating it for it's worth, rather than just letting it appear. These should be moments or experiences, short or long, where you felt incredibly happy, at one with the world, forgot yourself, experienced ecstasy—you get the idea.
Let's say that one of your peak experiences was spending an afternoon sailing by yourself in perfect sailing weather, just windy enough to make you stay on top of your toes, but not so windy that you couldn't also look around you. You felt at one with your boat and with nature. The smell of the salt air was particularly crisp. You felt strong and capable, in short—on top of the world.
Spend some time describing this experience, either by writing it down or recording it or telling it to a friend. Really try to get at what it was about this experience that floated your boat (pun intended). Record how you felt, what you noticed and what feelings you wish you could experience more often in your life.
When you are done, take a break. Then go back and re-read your description. Begin to pick out the values—what was important here? Try to use either single words or very short phrases. Using our sailing example above you might choose things like: freedom, out in nature, power, strength, using my body, expansiveness.
If you repeat this exercise a few times, using different peak experiences, you will probably begin to see some repeats, and this is important. These are the things that you care about the most. These are your biggest values.
What you will do with this information is now up to you. Most coaches and therapists will agree that if you can find ways to incorporate those values into your life's biggest ventures, such as work, love life, parenting, etc., you will be the happiest. You may want to start making some changes that will steer your life in the general direction of your biggest values, if it isn't already.
And if you are already living life in basic accordance with your values, you can get even more specific. You will likely find that, like most of us, there are some life areas that are not in complete accordance with what matters most to you that are in need of tweaking.
Of course making some of these changes will be challenging. But the beauty of doing values work is that you now have built-in inspiration. You have recorded memories of time when your values were being truly honored and you experienced some deep happiness that made life seem particularly worth living.
In both personal and business coaching we talk a lot about exploring ones values. There are several really good reasons for doing this, but first, let's talk about what the definition of values really is.
In our culture, we hear a lot about getting good value for our money. When we say that, we usually mean we are getting our money's worth and maybe, if we are lucky, we are even getting something a little extra or paying less than what the item is actually worth in dollars. Of course getting a great deal on a set of high-quality golf clubs, for example, might mean a lot more to one person than to another. Someone who hates playing golf will not feel that getting the clubs for a bargain is a good value at any price.
We are probably also all familiar with talking about valuing something in our lives, such as free time with our children, or appreciating when someone is honest with us even when they could get away with not being so honest.
What we can learn from these two familiar uses of the word value is that it is basically synonymous with the word important, and also that what is important, or valuable, is a completely subjective evaluation.
This definition, that values are what is important and that it is different for everybody, works really well in a coaching context. People will often confuse the word value with morals, as if some values can be good and some can be bad.
What you value is what is important to you—what really matters. From your values, you will evaluate any opportunity or object that comes along as being something you would like, or would not like, to incorporate into your life.
At least in an ideal world, that is. And here is where there is room for debate. Can you look at a person's life and come to a concrete and reliable assessment of their values? For example, if Tom Smith works 70 hour weeks on Wall Street and spends every day of his life in the city, but escapes once a year for two weeks to go hiking in remote mountains, can we assess that he values the cut-throat environment of Wall Street more than he values time in nature?
Some would say, absolutely yes. I say maybe—but not definitely. Perhaps our friend Tom was raised by a father who taught him that making a ton of money was the real measure of success and that only hippies and bums spend their days hiking in the wilderness. Maybe he really does value his two weeks in nature far more than the other 50 that he spends cooped up in his office, but hasn't yet been able to honor that.
And maybe he goes hiking in the mountains because his girlfriend threatens to leave him if he doesn't. Who knows?
This is where looking into a person's real values can make a huge difference in their lives. Getting to the bottom of what really matters to that person can help them begin to build a life that matches their values.
There are a lot of methods for honing in on a person's truest and deepest values, but one of the simplest is to ask them to quickly think of one or more peak experiences.
A peak experience is not hard to identify and should not take too much effort. In fact, trying too hard to identify a peak experience might mean that you are evaluating it for it's worth, rather than just letting it appear. These should be moments or experiences, short or long, where you felt incredibly happy, at one with the world, forgot yourself, experienced ecstasy—you get the idea.
Let's say that one of your peak experiences was spending an afternoon sailing by yourself in perfect sailing weather, just windy enough to make you stay on top of your toes, but not so windy that you couldn't also look around you. You felt at one with your boat and with nature. The smell of the salt air was particularly crisp. You felt strong and capable, in short—on top of the world.
Spend some time describing this experience, either by writing it down or recording it or telling it to a friend. Really try to get at what it was about this experience that floated your boat (pun intended). Record how you felt, what you noticed and what feelings you wish you could experience more often in your life.
When you are done, take a break. Then go back and re-read your description. Begin to pick out the values—what was important here? Try to use either single words or very short phrases. Using our sailing example above you might choose things like: freedom, out in nature, power, strength, using my body, expansiveness.
If you repeat this exercise a few times, using different peak experiences, you will probably begin to see some repeats, and this is important. These are the things that you care about the most. These are your biggest values.
What you will do with this information is now up to you. Most coaches and therapists will agree that if you can find ways to incorporate those values into your life's biggest ventures, such as work, love life, parenting, etc., you will be the happiest. You may want to start making some changes that will steer your life in the general direction of your biggest values, if it isn't already.
And if you are already living life in basic accordance with your values, you can get even more specific. You will likely find that, like most of us, there are some life areas that are not in complete accordance with what matters most to you that are in need of tweaking.
Of course making some of these changes will be challenging. But the beauty of doing values work is that you now have built-in inspiration. You have recorded memories of time when your values were being truly honored and you experienced some deep happiness that made life seem particularly worth living.