See Also:
• Halloween Cartoons
• Latest Late-Night Jokes

"They're getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins they're carving came out of Michelle Obama's garden. She raised the pumpkins, and the knife they're using to carve came from a guy who hopped over the fence." –David Letterman

"Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday.

It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, "We finally got one. He’s dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here." -Jimmy Fallon

"Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit." –Conan O'Brien

"A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress." –Craig Ferguson

"Are you excited about Halloween? People go out pretending to be something they're not, looking for handouts. It's like running for president." –David Letterman

"Even the Obamas got into the Halloween spirit. They handed out dried fruit to 2,000 trick or treaters. And just like that, they created 2,000 more Republicans." –Jimmy Fallon

"Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana.

Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking 'Why?' when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend." –Jimmy Kimmel

"I love Halloween; I call it Atheist Christmas." –Bill Maher

"Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we're someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning." –Bill Maher

"A lot of kids across the country got the day off from school because of Halloween. I'm pretty sure this is why we're falling behind China. Not only did their kids not get the day off from school, they made all of our kids' costumes." –Jimmy Kimmel

"This weekend for Halloween, President Obama wore chinos, a white button down shirt and a crew neck sweater. Yeah. Apparently, Obama went as the whitest president in the history of the United States." –Conan O'Brien

"This is interesting. One of the top selling costumes this Halloween is a vampire version of President Obama called 'Barackula.' Also very popular is the vampire version of former Vice President Dick Cheney, called 'Dick Cheney.'" –Conan O'Brien

"For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire." -Conan O'Brien

"Sunday is Halloween -- it's the scariest day of the year. Unless you're a Democrat - then it's next Tuesday." –Jay Leno

"John McCain got in the Halloween spirit. He thinks he's going to make a surprise comeback in the final moments of this election. Just like the corpse in a horror movie." --Bill Maher

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at the White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno