Kids of two homes often experience a tug of war with their heart. A mentally healthy divorcee accepts and encourages their children to love their former spouse, the children’s other parent. They express joy, not jealousy, when their children are happy to see their parent picking them up for visitation. Stable single parents leave their children out of their pain and sadness, and shield them from the roller coaster of divorce.
Doing this keeps childhoods happy, innocent, and pure.
What about those that are unable to follow a healthy path? Those that are unwilling to put the children first and continue to cross the line of what is appropriate and not appropriate to discuss with a young child?
Unfortunately the former spouse of this unhealthy individual experiences Parental Alienation Syndrome. The official definition of this horrible phenomenon is, “The concept of one parent attempting to separate their child from the other parent as punishment or part of a divorce. A disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child's campaign of denigration against the parent, a campaign that has no justification. The disorder results from the combination of indoctrinations by the alienating parent and the child's own contributions to the vilification of the alienated parent.”
In other words, one parent purposely turns the child against the other parent, usually as some sort of revenge against their former spouse.
They see convincing their children to love them “more” as a win, something they can beat the other parent in.
How do they accomplish this? It can be obvious or subtle comments and actions that over time deteriorate a child’s love for their parent.
Many times it’s simple language choices that insinuate negativity:
- This weekend you get to spend time with your Dad vs. I’m sorry to tell you but this weekend you have to go to your Dad’s house.
- Have fun at Thanksgiving dinner with Dad! vs. Good luck with your Dad’s crazy family, it’s too bad you can’t be with me.
- Have a blast on vacation! vs. Your dad is taking you away from me for 7 days! He’s so mean!
It can also be manipulations of behavior such as the following scenarios that have happened to real-life stepparents:
- Stepchild got promoted to showers over baths, and she was ecstatic. She laughed and sang songs the entire time and squealed that she felt like such a big girl. The following week she was overcome with panic at the thought of a shower and confessed that her other parent thought showers were a “stupid idea.”
- Stepchild was finally tall enough for the top bunk of her bunk beds to be put up, and she was bouncing off the walls excited about it. She slept in it all weekend. The following week, she came back and started crying at bedtime, saying that she thinks she should sleep in the bottom bunk. We asked why, and she tearfully confessed that her other parent thinks bunk beds aren’t cool, and that she shouldn’t have them.
- Stepchild went on vacation with one parent, she brought a stuffed animal from the other parent’s house to remember them for the long ten days. She recently revealed that she wasn’t allowed to bring it on her trip because the vacationing parent said if she brought it on the airplane, “they would not buy her any souvenirs.”
Some people will stop at nothing to brainwash their own children. There have even been cases of parents falsifying sexual abuse by their Ex to the kids as means to halt visitation rights.
This is pure mental abuse to the child, and it’s affected my stepdaughter’s once loving relationship with her Dad. She began to disagree with everything he said, and belittled his suggestions and ideas. The food he cooked was bad, anything that went wrong was his fault, he was stupid and mean and didn’t know anything…It’s sad, but it was also out of our control. We were beside ourselves with sadness. But then I had an idea, and I encourage you to try this with your kids.
We spent so much time telling Stepdaughter her Dad is a good man and loves her very much, and that it’s okay for her to love him back and to like his ideas and gifts. But actions speak a lot louder than words, especially for kids.
I gathered and printed 100 photos of happy memories between Stepdaughter and my husband. I divided them into groups of ten and sealed them in envelopes. I explained to her that anytime she used her own mind and her own heart, and stopped blaming Dad for everything under the sun, she could pick an envelope of pictures.
She’s on envelope number six and slowly but surely I’m seeing the love come back in her heart. She recently played soccer in the backyard and missed the goal. A few months ago, she would have screamed at her Dad that it was somehow his fault. This time, she let out an “Oh man!” and tried again. Guess what her new favorite dinner is? Dad’s steak from the grill. A couple weeks ago I was doing her hair and she asked that I move her part from the middle, to the side. As I did so, she started talking.
“I really like my part on the side. My mom hates it. But I like it and I think it looks pretty. And sometimes it’s okay for me to not think the same thing my Mom thinks. Everybody is different.” I just kept brushing and smiled. Inside I was flipping cartwheels.
Are we trying to turn her against her Mom? Absolutely not. We are simply trying to teach her to stand on her own two feet, to make her own decisions and to not fall to peer pressure when someone, anyone, tries to manipulate her. And that’s something I think all parents should want for their kids.