One father reports: "Mark and Julie were having one of their constant fights.
Julie slyly approached Mark and bit him solidly on his back.
Mark instantly cried out: 'Daddy, Mommy, you have to help me.
Make Julie stop.
' I felt so humiliated for Mark that here he was five years old and he was calling out for us to help him fend off a two-year-old.
For once I decided to stay out and said as calmly as I could through clenched teeth: 'Mark, sounds like you are angry.
I know you can handle this.
' A few minutes later, the victorious Julie returned to Mark for round two.
For almost the first time in his life, docile Mark shoved her away and yelled, 'Get away from me!' Julie was stunned, and this time it was her turn to cry.
Very soon they started to play again with great gusto.
The next day Mark continued to be proud that he had finally stood up to his bullying baby sister.
" Parents have to work really hard to stay mum.
The bickering and spitefulness can drive even the most patient mother and father crazy.
Parents also have to believe that their children are sturdy enough to handle the fights and bad feelings.
Children gain an incredible sense of self-esteem when they feel that their parents trust them to work out relationships.
In the jargon of the nineties, empower your sons and daughters by butting out.
Of course, it is a lot easier not to interfere if your children are over the age of two.
But can a parent really sit back and leave a sweet, defenceless one-year-old baby at the mercy of his aggressive two-and-a-half-year-old sister? Yes, I think so.
In fact, as soon as you think that the baby can withstand a poke or two, try to get in the habit of not intruding.
When you see your two-and-a-half-year-old walk by the baby and "accidentally" give him a push, don't make a federal case out of the aggression.
Try to ignore as much as you possibly can.
A pinch and a little messing around with a chubby one-year-old can be tolerated.
(Obviously, in the baby's early months you will have to be more of a guard.
) Staying out of your children's relationship doesn't mean that you ignore their feelings.
Your children are going to have stormy emotions toward each other.
Children need to know that their bad feelings won't hurt anyone.
For instance, when your two-year-old comes running to you in tears because his six-year-old sister grabbed his favourite Big Bird doll, try saying sympathetically: "You are so upset with Molly.
Tell Molly that's your Big Bird.
" Try a similar approach when the six-year-old scream that the two-year-old messed up her dress-up box: "Oh, I'm really sorry.
I know just how you feel.
He gets into my stuff too.
" Then, with a wink, add, "I trust you can handle this.
" It's amazing how a simple confirmation of emotions can defuse a potentially gigantic blowup.
When you see your toddler looking as if she's ready to pounce on your newborn, take a deep breath, put your healing hands on her shoulder, and say compassionately: "Claire, I can't let you hurt the baby and nobody will hurt you.
I see that it gets you very angry when I am taking care of him and can't play with you.
" This type of verbal understanding is like a balm for soothing raw aggression.
Julie slyly approached Mark and bit him solidly on his back.
Mark instantly cried out: 'Daddy, Mommy, you have to help me.
Make Julie stop.
' I felt so humiliated for Mark that here he was five years old and he was calling out for us to help him fend off a two-year-old.
For once I decided to stay out and said as calmly as I could through clenched teeth: 'Mark, sounds like you are angry.
I know you can handle this.
' A few minutes later, the victorious Julie returned to Mark for round two.
For almost the first time in his life, docile Mark shoved her away and yelled, 'Get away from me!' Julie was stunned, and this time it was her turn to cry.
Very soon they started to play again with great gusto.
The next day Mark continued to be proud that he had finally stood up to his bullying baby sister.
" Parents have to work really hard to stay mum.
The bickering and spitefulness can drive even the most patient mother and father crazy.
Parents also have to believe that their children are sturdy enough to handle the fights and bad feelings.
Children gain an incredible sense of self-esteem when they feel that their parents trust them to work out relationships.
In the jargon of the nineties, empower your sons and daughters by butting out.
Of course, it is a lot easier not to interfere if your children are over the age of two.
But can a parent really sit back and leave a sweet, defenceless one-year-old baby at the mercy of his aggressive two-and-a-half-year-old sister? Yes, I think so.
In fact, as soon as you think that the baby can withstand a poke or two, try to get in the habit of not intruding.
When you see your two-and-a-half-year-old walk by the baby and "accidentally" give him a push, don't make a federal case out of the aggression.
Try to ignore as much as you possibly can.
A pinch and a little messing around with a chubby one-year-old can be tolerated.
(Obviously, in the baby's early months you will have to be more of a guard.
) Staying out of your children's relationship doesn't mean that you ignore their feelings.
Your children are going to have stormy emotions toward each other.
Children need to know that their bad feelings won't hurt anyone.
For instance, when your two-year-old comes running to you in tears because his six-year-old sister grabbed his favourite Big Bird doll, try saying sympathetically: "You are so upset with Molly.
Tell Molly that's your Big Bird.
" Try a similar approach when the six-year-old scream that the two-year-old messed up her dress-up box: "Oh, I'm really sorry.
I know just how you feel.
He gets into my stuff too.
" Then, with a wink, add, "I trust you can handle this.
" It's amazing how a simple confirmation of emotions can defuse a potentially gigantic blowup.
When you see your toddler looking as if she's ready to pounce on your newborn, take a deep breath, put your healing hands on her shoulder, and say compassionately: "Claire, I can't let you hurt the baby and nobody will hurt you.
I see that it gets you very angry when I am taking care of him and can't play with you.
" This type of verbal understanding is like a balm for soothing raw aggression.