When parents remarry or find a new partner, their children often put up some resistance, even when they genuinely like the new adult in their lives.
That can be very difficult for both the parent and the new partner, but it makes sense when you look at it from the perspective of a child.
The new couple are excited about what they are gaining: each other and their new family together.
The children, on the other hand, may be concerned about what they are going to lose.
They may wonder if they really matter as much any more, if mom or dad will have time for them, and how they fit in with the other kids who are part of the new family.
They may also be worried about upsetting their other biological parent by liking the new stepparent too much.
In light of those concerns, the resistance - and the accompanying behavior - make a lot of sense.
Reassuring kids that they are safe in their parent's love and that they belong goes a long way toward easing the resistance.
How can you reassure your child and help them adjust to their new family?
That can be very difficult for both the parent and the new partner, but it makes sense when you look at it from the perspective of a child.
The new couple are excited about what they are gaining: each other and their new family together.
The children, on the other hand, may be concerned about what they are going to lose.
They may wonder if they really matter as much any more, if mom or dad will have time for them, and how they fit in with the other kids who are part of the new family.
They may also be worried about upsetting their other biological parent by liking the new stepparent too much.
In light of those concerns, the resistance - and the accompanying behavior - make a lot of sense.
Reassuring kids that they are safe in their parent's love and that they belong goes a long way toward easing the resistance.
How can you reassure your child and help them adjust to their new family?
- Listen.
Make room for their questions and worries. - Reassure children that they are important and loved.
- Require them to treat all family members with respect, but recognize that developing close relationships takes time.
- Share the vision you have for your family and their part in it.
- Help them understand that you have plenty of love to go around, and they do, too.
They can accept the new stepparent and any step-brothers and sisters without taking any love away from their other parent. - Speak respectfully about their other parent.
- Maintain daily rituals and routines that help kids have a sense of normalcy and stability in the new situation.
- Make it a point to have individual time with your child.
- Encourage some one-on-one time with the new adult in the family.
- When it is appropriate, involve kids in making plans and decisions that affect them.
- Encourage participation in family activities, but do not push it all the time, especially for older kids.