Do You Think You Have a Cheating Spouse? Here Are a Few Things to Do
Modern life, for some, is all about enjoying all your experiences to the fullest within a short period of time. Many people have their attention drawn, whether in search of quick money or instant joy, be it in the form of drinking, smoking, gambling, spouse cheating (or €playing around€ or €fooling around€) and so many other hurtful ways to get a thrill.
Before we discuss this loaded subject further, let's get some ground rules straight. First, looking is not cheating, and while you may not like the way he or she looks at the opposite sex, or interacts with them, be clear that we are focused on the behavior, not the thoughts, assumptions, daydreams, temptations, etc. that your spouse may have; only behavior can cross the line. Also, be clear that you and your spouse have the same understanding. Some people feel €a little cheating on the side€ is ok if someone is committed to the marriage. These are personal decisions every couple must make. If you see something, in terms of behavior, that bothers you, say something. This is your first responsibility, to let your spouse know that something is happening that is upsetting you or giving you reason to be concerned about the health of the relationship. But, after all this, if you think your spouse is cheating, what should you do?
First, look to yourself. Are you the jealous type? Is this jealousy €dance€ a part of your relationship, where one accuses and the other denies? If so, ask yourself what you are achieving by doing this, and what does your spouse achieve from his or her provocative behavior? Some couples fight, or flirt, because it adds some spice to the relationship; and making up can feel so good! But this is playing with fire, walking close to the edge for the thrill of it. Ask yourself, €Is this somehow part of the rhythm of our relationship?€, where infidelity is suspected - or actually committed - only to be repaired by tears and promises that it will never happen again. Find a better, healthier way to get those thrills; your spouse and your marriage will appreciate it.
Why do spouses cheat? There are as many reasons for cheating as there are for getting married in the first place. For some, it is simply a sexual outlet and means no more than a visit to the golf course or a game of tennis. For these couples, more sex, better sex, or more interesting sex (with their spouse!) could be a solution. For others, they are looking for a source of excitement and spice in their lives. They are bored, disappointed by the sameness; what is stability for one is boring and dull to the other. Participate in something different, plan an adventure or an unexpected trip together. By the way, most couples do get into a routine, so if you decide you want to break your routine for the sake of the marriage, don't be afraid to tell your spouse that's what you are doing. And expect a little resistance; most people resist change even when they say that's what they want - so stick with it.
Cheating is more serious when a spouse is looking for something in another person that they cannot, or think they cannot, get from their own spouse. Whether that something is physical, emotional, or whatever, the cheating spouse is convinced that what they need is not forthcoming from the one to whom they are married. So ask yourself, €Is this true?€ Are there things you will not, or cannot, do or give, that your spouse says they need? This is where the opportunity for serious discussion comes in. Cheating is always of a symptom of a breakdown in communication between spouses. You must be willing to deal with these issues directly, verbally, and calmly if anything is going to change. Here are some helpful hints:
Discuss, don't confront - You want to increase your understanding of the other's behavior and get your point across at the same time. Confrontation is by definition emotional, and emotions should not be front and center during this process.
Know your goal - If you are trying to wring a confession from someone that is one goal, but what's the point of that, really? If you are trying to repair the relationship, that typically leads to a set of more constructive questions and interactions.
Truth is over-rated - I know many may not agree with this, but there are many kinds of truth. Often people who €just want to know€ really just want to be re-assured. If your goal is repair, stick to the future and don't dwell in the past.
Avoid the blame game - If you are being truly honest, there is probably enough blame to go around in any relationship. The little slights or in sensitivities that build up over years in a marriage are certainly there, and if you fixate on them, you will never get past them. Accept that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and all we can ask of each other and ourselves is that we sincerely try to make things better.
Is this marriage worth saving? - After all is said and done, it comes down to this question, and both people in a couple must ask it for themselves and answer honestly. Marriage takes work, there is no denying that. And both people must want to stay married for the relationship to warrant repair.
These are good starting points. Many couples feel when they come to an impasse, that marital therapy (or couples therapy) is a helpful next step. You don't have to do this alone, you only have to take the first step.
Mark Sirkin, Ph.D.
Before we discuss this loaded subject further, let's get some ground rules straight. First, looking is not cheating, and while you may not like the way he or she looks at the opposite sex, or interacts with them, be clear that we are focused on the behavior, not the thoughts, assumptions, daydreams, temptations, etc. that your spouse may have; only behavior can cross the line. Also, be clear that you and your spouse have the same understanding. Some people feel €a little cheating on the side€ is ok if someone is committed to the marriage. These are personal decisions every couple must make. If you see something, in terms of behavior, that bothers you, say something. This is your first responsibility, to let your spouse know that something is happening that is upsetting you or giving you reason to be concerned about the health of the relationship. But, after all this, if you think your spouse is cheating, what should you do?
First, look to yourself. Are you the jealous type? Is this jealousy €dance€ a part of your relationship, where one accuses and the other denies? If so, ask yourself what you are achieving by doing this, and what does your spouse achieve from his or her provocative behavior? Some couples fight, or flirt, because it adds some spice to the relationship; and making up can feel so good! But this is playing with fire, walking close to the edge for the thrill of it. Ask yourself, €Is this somehow part of the rhythm of our relationship?€, where infidelity is suspected - or actually committed - only to be repaired by tears and promises that it will never happen again. Find a better, healthier way to get those thrills; your spouse and your marriage will appreciate it.
Why do spouses cheat? There are as many reasons for cheating as there are for getting married in the first place. For some, it is simply a sexual outlet and means no more than a visit to the golf course or a game of tennis. For these couples, more sex, better sex, or more interesting sex (with their spouse!) could be a solution. For others, they are looking for a source of excitement and spice in their lives. They are bored, disappointed by the sameness; what is stability for one is boring and dull to the other. Participate in something different, plan an adventure or an unexpected trip together. By the way, most couples do get into a routine, so if you decide you want to break your routine for the sake of the marriage, don't be afraid to tell your spouse that's what you are doing. And expect a little resistance; most people resist change even when they say that's what they want - so stick with it.
Cheating is more serious when a spouse is looking for something in another person that they cannot, or think they cannot, get from their own spouse. Whether that something is physical, emotional, or whatever, the cheating spouse is convinced that what they need is not forthcoming from the one to whom they are married. So ask yourself, €Is this true?€ Are there things you will not, or cannot, do or give, that your spouse says they need? This is where the opportunity for serious discussion comes in. Cheating is always of a symptom of a breakdown in communication between spouses. You must be willing to deal with these issues directly, verbally, and calmly if anything is going to change. Here are some helpful hints:
Discuss, don't confront - You want to increase your understanding of the other's behavior and get your point across at the same time. Confrontation is by definition emotional, and emotions should not be front and center during this process.
Know your goal - If you are trying to wring a confession from someone that is one goal, but what's the point of that, really? If you are trying to repair the relationship, that typically leads to a set of more constructive questions and interactions.
Truth is over-rated - I know many may not agree with this, but there are many kinds of truth. Often people who €just want to know€ really just want to be re-assured. If your goal is repair, stick to the future and don't dwell in the past.
Avoid the blame game - If you are being truly honest, there is probably enough blame to go around in any relationship. The little slights or in sensitivities that build up over years in a marriage are certainly there, and if you fixate on them, you will never get past them. Accept that no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and all we can ask of each other and ourselves is that we sincerely try to make things better.
Is this marriage worth saving? - After all is said and done, it comes down to this question, and both people in a couple must ask it for themselves and answer honestly. Marriage takes work, there is no denying that. And both people must want to stay married for the relationship to warrant repair.
These are good starting points. Many couples feel when they come to an impasse, that marital therapy (or couples therapy) is a helpful next step. You don't have to do this alone, you only have to take the first step.
Mark Sirkin, Ph.D.