Interview With Lady Cerelli, Author of "My Journey to Peace With PTSD"
Today, Juanita Watson of Reader Views talks with Lady Cerelli, about her new biographical self-help book "My Journey to Peace with PTSD," Peace Publishers (2007), ISBN 9780979888304.
Having been a spiritual counselor for over forty years, Lady Cerelli never dreamed she would walk the same path she had often led her clients on.
In her new book, "My Journey to Peace with PTSD," she shares how keeping trauma to yourself leads to behavior disorders such as addictions, insomnia, depression, rage, and many other disorders.
Lady Cerelli learned how to be at peace with who she was and change those behaviors in order to grow into the individual she wished to be.
Juanita:Thanks for joining us today Lady.
You have written a deeply moving book about your own life story battling PTSD, and I imagine it was a very healing process.
Why did you decide to actually write this book? Lady:I have been working with abused women off and on for nearly 30 years.
When memories of a military rape came through as a flashback, working with a therapist, I discovered childhood abuses had victimized me and contributed to my low self-esteem-just like it had for my clients.
As a counselor, a lot of things I wrote regarding the healing process had been intuited for my clients.
When my therapist released me, some of my disorders disappeared.
But it wasn't enough.
I had to know why I allowed the abuse.
I needed to know when and why I made my life choices.
I put myself on the same path I lead my clients on and journaled my life for the first time with detailed memories, including the senses.
It became evident to me that traumas in our youth, when not dealt with immediately and positively, will create behavior disorders in adulthood; and I saw how I developed mine.
This gave me the open field to discern who I wish to be and what changes I had to make to do that.
When first diagnosed having PTSD, I kept asking for a book that would act as a lifeline, to give me something to hold onto as I dealt with a nightmare.
I didn't want a book telling me what PTSD was or how to deal with it.
I wanted a book that would explain why and how I allowed myself to be victimized.
Everyone told me there was no such book.
This was not acceptable.
After my by-pass in 2006, I sat down to rewrite the book for the third time.
This time I owned it and wrote from the victim's point of view-not the counselor.
Also, I wanted people to experience what a flashback is, to have them wear my shoes.
Only until you experience one, can you understand a flashback and the fears that come with it.
Some of the book was channeled; particularly the section on how the trauma feels and looks like on the inside-carried for so many years, it turns to anger and the anger becomes the fire that needs to be continually fed.
I could not have written those many pages on my own in the time it took to create them.
When I read what had come through my fingers, chills went up my spine.
The description fit so well.
Please understand, I have had my rare moments of small insights of wisdom coming through my fingers, but nothing like that.
Juanita: The phrase Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is commonly talked about these days, and mostly in connection with war veterans.
Can you tell us, what is PTSD? Lady:October 18, 2002, the Psychiatric News, Vol.
37, No.
20, pg 25, describes the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD.
People keep telling me what the symptoms are, and not everyone has all the symptoms.
I have not actually read a sentence that says, "PTSD is...
" I can only give you a definition from my own perspective: "PTSD is a disorder stemming from a life-threatening trauma so horrific, the psyche could not handle it.
" A young child beaten to the point his life is threatened, can be PTSD.
When memories of such horror are suppressed, and I can almost guarantee you they will be, behavior disorders will begin within a short time after the trauma.
If the trauma is not dealt with to turn it around, the behavior disorders will increase, as will the internal anger, into our adult life.
I became curious why some Vietnam vets came back diagnosed PTSD and others not, when both had been in similar battles.
After questioning all those I knew who were in Vietnam, I discovered that those not diagnosed PTSD had a fairly "normal" (though I've yet to find anyone to describe normal to me.
) childhood and were able to manage what nightmares and insomnia they may encounter.
But those diagnosed PTSD had gone into battle with an already weakened psyche stemming from a previous trauma.
Just for the sake of information, what is now called PTSD used to be called "Shell Shock.
" Juanita:I understand that it wasn't until much later in life that you discovered you had PTSD.
How did you not know? Lady: The VA diagnosed me.
After my flashback, I went to a friend, who has worked with vets for over 20 years, to get the papers for the hospital.
She had been telling me for quite a while I had PTSD, but I didn't believe her.
When I went to the VA hospital ER the next day with an acquaintance, I didn't get out until five days later.
I totally lost it in the ER and had to be put into lockdown-a place adjacent to the psychiatric ward where a patient is watched 24/7.
For the next four days in the regular ward, I spent the time with my psychiatric team understanding PTSD and why it took so long for the memories to surface and attending class.
A treatment program was set up for me, which began a couple months later.
When I had my flashback the day before, my vagina felt as though someone had taken a knife to it-and I was standing alone in my studio when the flashback occurred.
I had never been so frightened in my life.
The pain had been gone by the time I went to my friend's for the papers a few hours later.
I was still in the state of shock when my blood pressure shot up so high in ER the next day.
Juanita: Lady, it really is amazing the capacity the body has for self-preservation.
How is it that the body can disassociate so clearly from the physical experience of abuse at the time it happens, only to have the physical pain manifest years later? Lady: It depends on the state of the psyche.
During a severe trauma, the psyche will remember the physical senses-the smell, touch, sound, sight, or taste-of the trauma along with the memories of the actual scene.
Remember, the mind never forgets.
A pretraumatized psyche may shut everything off because it was too horrific at the moment to deal with it.
When it does, it creates a PTSD victim.
What most folks may not know is that PTSD works from two parts of the brain: one part is for memories; another part is for the physical senses.
It will take a remembered sense of the trauma to bring on the flashback.
In a flashback, the fear will activate the adrenal glands, pump up the heart, raise the blood pressure, heighten brain activity that will immediately bring the memories of the trauma to the forefront, and you're reliving the trauma with all of its ramifications.
All of this happens without warning and with no control.
When you smell cinnamon, you think of cookies, apple pies or someone special who cooked those things.
You don't usually remember these types of memories unless you smell the fragrance first.
Both parts of the brain are active and the physical attributes are a relaxed body and a smile on the face.
However, a flashback is usually life-threatening, and the body reacts differently.
When you remember a trauma, brought on by a physical sense, you will relive the incident nearly exactly the way it happened.
My psyche already weakened by incest and further traumatized by my family's denials, I went several years trying to make sense of it all.
Not having been taught very many life skills, I was not emotionally prepared for the Navy.
Raped when I was pregnant, the blood I saw was my blood of life.
That alone would have caused a memory shutdown, but my not being prepared very much for life, caused me to all but totally erase the memory.
Unfortunately, what the psyche shuts down in memory, shows up in body language, like anger, and behavior disorders, to name only a few.
Juanita:Would you tell us about "My Journey to Peace with PTSD"? Lady: It was written in the raw way I received things in my life.
A lot of behaviors were spelled out, but the reader also got the sense of my state of mind without my having to put everything into words: the rage; my need to be heard as a child, but denied; and the behaviors that came out after the incest and into adulthood.
But to complete the message of the book, I inserted the sections pertaining to the 10 questions that determine whether or not you are a victim of abuse and "Dealing with PTSD.
" When the book was completed and I submitted it to the editor, a burden lifted from me.
It wasn't until later I discovered that writing the book affected my adrenal glands in much the same way as a flashback would.
But rather than operating in hyper-mode for just a while as in a flashback, my adrenal glands worked overtime for several months.
Right now, I'm treating myself for exhausted adrenal glands.
This is why PTSD is so fatiguing and can age you.
The fear factors work off your adrenal glands, which raise your blood pressure, stress out the heart, and enlarge the vessels in the brain.
When the chemicals in the brain are off-balanced long enough, the serotonin required to help us feel better get low-the reason patients are put on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety.
This is not good for a long period either because it only masks the symptoms of PTSD.
The imbalance will always remain until the victim processes the traumas and makes the connections in their life.
I was told that I would be on medication for life if I didn't get therapy, or one year if took therapy.
Girlfriend, I ran to the nearest Clinical Psychologist until I could get into the VA therapist.
Juanita: Congratulations for getting help Lady.
I understand that the feeling of isolation is profound with PTSD sufferers, and victims of abuse.
What was your experience with isolation? Lady: Our society has denigrated incest and sexual abuse as something as ugly and disgusting as not to be acceptable.
Who in their right minds are going to stand up and say, "I have been raped.
I'm ugly.
" The trauma has made us feel ugly on the side inside already.
We are not going to help society by pointing ourselves and say, "You're right.
" In the past, and even to a large degree today, society has forced us to put ugly things in the closet-to hide them.
This is isolation in the worst form.
No matter how bad we are hurting, we have to keep it ourselves lest others think badly of us, or worse, liars.
PTSD victims, when in a flashback, are not in this reality.
We are very much in the other world, which is the past when the trauma occurred.
We hear the sounds, smell the odors, feel the physical pain, etc.
The PTSD victim has trust issues already, so their one thought is going to be, "Is anyone going to take advantage of me when I'm not in this reality?" This one, sentence, unuttered but in the back of brain, will force them to be with understanding partners or those of their kind-to isolate themselves from mainstream society.
Juanita: Lady, what was your turning point when you realized these were symptoms of PTSD and began your healing process? Lady:I think my healing process began after an auto accident 4 years prior to the flashback.
I impacted the windshield twice from the inside the truck.
I was not expected to survive.
The accident did take away my smoking habit and my black button (my rage).
But I think in the process of trying to get back a lot of the lost memory over the next 2.
5 years relaxed my state of being enough for the flashback to push itself to the surface.
It had been suppressed for 40 years.
Juanita:Do you think most people have some type of early trauma that may unwittingly be causing problems for them as adults? Lady:I don't think they do-I know.
I can see the problems in body languages, speech patterns, behaviors...
Watching a person for only 30 seconds, I can tell if they had been traumatized.
After relating this discovering to them, their body language will again tell me the truth if they try to lie about it.
And after a few more minutes I can often tell them how they were traumatized.
Juanita:Many people may only think of the stereotypical PTSD sufferer when they think of this disorder.
What are some of the self-destructive patterns that you see in your work that may not be so obvious? Lady: If by stereotypical you are referring to flashbacks and war veterans, there would be road rage (often misunderstood as instant anger, but is actually repressed anger); isolation/silence-someone can be quiet and aloof, but be congenial when meeting people.
Someone who is quiet, keeps to themselves, rarely smiles, moody, or has a totally masked facial expression will probably go off like a loaded gun with a hair trigger.
(I'm betting the Virginia shooter was PTSD); addiction, even only one joint or one strong drink a day-addiction isn't always blatant or extremely heavy (this is called self-medicating); compulsive behaviors, especially sexual; putting oneself in peril for thrills, to name a couple.
Police Officers, EMT's, doctors are also just few of the professionals who can be a victim of PTSD.
Juanita:Lady, why do early victims of abuse, typically attract abusers later in life? Lady: When we experience the trauma, the "state of helplessness," we unwittingly start building a fire of anger within us.
This fire becomes a heavy burden.
One of the physical attributes for this burden is sloping shoulders, which also indicates low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem begins when we are traumatized and it is not handled appropriately and/or soon after the trauma.
The more abuse there is, the more the shoulders seem to round.
An abuser can watch a victim walk across the street and see the following traits: sloping shoulders; small steps in the victim's pace (a strong woman will step out in her stride); very little eye contact (usually downcast); and when someone is always apologizing, it will show in her/his body language and on her face if (s)he's talking to someone.
Ironically, the abuser may not even be aware he is looking for these, but will recognize them to belong to someone he can abuse and manipulate.
Juanita:What can you tell us about repressed anger, and its outward manifestations? Lady:The Virginia shooter is a classic example.
Repressed anger can kill a person because of its continual stress on the body and brain; and more often than create a chemical imbalance in the brain.
It is also the most dangerous attribute of a traumatized victim because the anger can spike instantaneously and without warning.
In my experience, anger can be expressive and can even throw some people into creativity; but those with repressed anger are usually the quietist and the most dangerous.
Juanita:Lady, what was the most difficult part of recovering from PTSD for you? Lady: Sitting with the psychiatrist during my compensation and payment session, I discovered I had psychologically aborted six of my babies because of hormone imbalance from the adrenal glands.
Remember, I was raped when pregnant.
It's devastating to a woman to learn that her mind has killed her babies when all the while she had prayed for a houseful of children.
Even though I felt better after sharing the rape with my counselor, it was a long time before I reconciled with it.
It helped knowing I was a foster mother to 7 teenage foster children.
We did adopt the first one when he was 19 after three years of fostering him.
We didn't maintain contact with the rest of them.
Juanita:What drew you to your profession as a spiritual counselor? And, what part did spirituality play in your healing process? Lady:I wasn't drawn to spirituality counseling.
It was always there, even as a child.
It was just covered with a lot of "stuff.
" Having spiritual guides is often classified as New Age, but there is nothing new about it.
If one is spiritual, one has a great deal of faith.
I met my first angel when I was four.
I still talk to my angels and listen more today than I have in the past.
I don't always agree, and we do have our discussions.
But in the end, I always obey; especially if it involves another.
Spirituality played a huge part in my healing.
If you read the last section in the Epilogue of my book, you will learn where "Know You Are Loved" comes from and why.
More times than I care to count I have lost faith in myself, but never in.
When I get off my life's path, the Universe has a way of putting me back on it.
Sometimes it is abrupt and painful.
Juanita: Lady, you mentioned earlier that some of the content of your book was channeled.
Would you tell us more about this aspect of your writing? Lady:As a Spiritual Counselor I channel for my clients when they have a hard time coming up with answers and when I think they are b-s-ing me.
This is done mentally.
But one can also channel by having an entity speak through you, using your voice, or through your hands.
I'm not Shirley McLaine, by any means.
But I can slip into an altered state rather easily when riding, sitting still long enough in a comfortable chair, or deliberately meditating; I have done a lot of meditation in my life.
On the day I channeled those pages, I truly thought I was typing my own words.
But when I went back to read what had been typed, I was surprised and pleased.
Then I thought about how well the words fit with the way I had felt internally all those years, and that they weren't my words.
It was a while before I went back to the computer.
I wasn't comfortable knowing my angels could just slip through my fingers for so long a period.
Other PTSD survivors were amazed at the description because they, too, felt the fire, but didn't know how to describe it until they read the book.
Understand, Juanita, I don't consider myself having a special talent.
Anyone can do what I do.
But I must share that even though I've had moments of beautiful writing, a line here or a line there, it never had come through as what appeared on those pages.
Frankly, I'm still amazed by them.
It further attests how important the book is.
Juanita:Lady, how long have you been on your journey to peace?Will it be a lifelong journey? Lady: My journey to peace has been life long, and I am at peace now.
But it doesn't have to take a lifetime.
I may have been searching all those years, but it wasn't until I journaled my life from the trauma and working forward that I found peace.
Juanita: What are some of the best modalities for healing trauma? Lady:There are as many modalities as there are illnesses.
One person may need several healing methods to heal.
The KYAL (Know You Are Loved) Method takes one back to the original pain, or the first state of helplessness, and uses the very same senses that cemented the trauma to reverse it and turn it into a life experience.
When the method is used, it is 100% effective, with a time frame of about 2 to 2.
5 years from beginning to completion.
Juanita:Lady, how can readers find out more about you, and "My Journey to Peace with PTSD"? Lady:Our website, http://www.
peacewithptsd.
org is a non-profit created to make a safe space for those who have been abused or traumatized and health care professionals so they may learn what other folks have used to help them along their path.
It is a safe place to share.
It is very new and we will continue to work and change it as the need arises.
I receive the information, screen it for authenticity then place it on the site.
At this time there will be no means for others to interact.
All information will come to us through emails then we will place it on the site.
Needs and participants will determine the growth of the site.
It is our goal to research other modalities, support groups, etc.
located around the country and to pass this information along using the site and the newsletter.
We added the new page, "Treasures," to the site this week.
It is a page for tidbits of wisdom regarding respect, what is love, etc.
We also intend to have a quarterly newsletter based on the site but with more details, perhaps letters from others who are hurting and what they wish to see addressed on the site.
There will also be sections for health care professionals.
Anonymity will be observed at all times, unless the health care professional wishes to share their name and professions.
The newsletter is still in the planning stage, but is scheduled to debut in the spring of 2008.
I also plan to co-author the KYAL Method manual with two other women after the first of the year.
It will contain some information in my book, but with the details on how the method is used, tools needed after traumas to turn them into life experiences, the time frame for each step, and symptoms to look for at each step.
My Journey to Peace with PTSD bio and the manual will pertain to healing, but everything could not be in one book.
The book pertained to the journey; the manual will pertain to the steps used on that journey.
All funds from the organization will be used equally to help rebuild a gym in the old rock school building in our community and to assist women and children of domestic violence to obtain their own living quarters, schooling, etc-whatever we can do to help them to get on their own and to survive.
We also plan to put on lectures that will demonstrate how one builds their wall and why it doesn't protect anyone-only serves to further harm-and answer individual questions pertaining to the method of journaling to connect the dots in one's life.
Workshops will show how you can easily connect to the inner child, nurture them, and bring them back.
Everything will grow as the needs arise.
Juanita:Lady, your life story is quite miraculous, and we certainly recommend readers go to your website for more information, and to purchase a copy of "My Journey to Peace with PTSD.
"I'd like to thank you for your time and sharing your tremendous story with us today, and offer you the last word to your readers.
Lady: People say it took courage to write the book.
But it took no more courage to write it than it did to survive the trauma and live with it.
Our society has made abuse victims feel ugly and worthless because of the nature of sexual abuse.
It is my desire to help people get past their shame by showing them that they didn't ask for their abuse, that the lack of loving tools after the trauma also helped a great deal in lowering their self-esteem.
You need to look at the same elements that created the memories so that the memories can reverse themselves and turn into life experiences, not a trauma.
I can tell you that my detailed childhood memories stayed with me for over 50 years.
Journaling my life and looking at each connection of the choices on my path by going back to the first "state of helplessness," those childhood memories are now foggy.
This is healing.
The memories of the military rape and the other events that followed may take a little longer, but they, too, are in a place where they can no longer hurt me.
All the behavior disorders are gone, the anger is gone, the rare nights of insomnia are probably post-menopausal related.
Once the psyche heals, the body will follow-one is not affected without affecting the other.
You can heal from those scars, but only by going back and reopening them and allowing the fester to flow out; all the while having someone nearby holding you and saying, "Know You Are Loved.
"
Having been a spiritual counselor for over forty years, Lady Cerelli never dreamed she would walk the same path she had often led her clients on.
In her new book, "My Journey to Peace with PTSD," she shares how keeping trauma to yourself leads to behavior disorders such as addictions, insomnia, depression, rage, and many other disorders.
Lady Cerelli learned how to be at peace with who she was and change those behaviors in order to grow into the individual she wished to be.
Juanita:Thanks for joining us today Lady.
You have written a deeply moving book about your own life story battling PTSD, and I imagine it was a very healing process.
Why did you decide to actually write this book? Lady:I have been working with abused women off and on for nearly 30 years.
When memories of a military rape came through as a flashback, working with a therapist, I discovered childhood abuses had victimized me and contributed to my low self-esteem-just like it had for my clients.
As a counselor, a lot of things I wrote regarding the healing process had been intuited for my clients.
When my therapist released me, some of my disorders disappeared.
But it wasn't enough.
I had to know why I allowed the abuse.
I needed to know when and why I made my life choices.
I put myself on the same path I lead my clients on and journaled my life for the first time with detailed memories, including the senses.
It became evident to me that traumas in our youth, when not dealt with immediately and positively, will create behavior disorders in adulthood; and I saw how I developed mine.
This gave me the open field to discern who I wish to be and what changes I had to make to do that.
When first diagnosed having PTSD, I kept asking for a book that would act as a lifeline, to give me something to hold onto as I dealt with a nightmare.
I didn't want a book telling me what PTSD was or how to deal with it.
I wanted a book that would explain why and how I allowed myself to be victimized.
Everyone told me there was no such book.
This was not acceptable.
After my by-pass in 2006, I sat down to rewrite the book for the third time.
This time I owned it and wrote from the victim's point of view-not the counselor.
Also, I wanted people to experience what a flashback is, to have them wear my shoes.
Only until you experience one, can you understand a flashback and the fears that come with it.
Some of the book was channeled; particularly the section on how the trauma feels and looks like on the inside-carried for so many years, it turns to anger and the anger becomes the fire that needs to be continually fed.
I could not have written those many pages on my own in the time it took to create them.
When I read what had come through my fingers, chills went up my spine.
The description fit so well.
Please understand, I have had my rare moments of small insights of wisdom coming through my fingers, but nothing like that.
Juanita: The phrase Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is commonly talked about these days, and mostly in connection with war veterans.
Can you tell us, what is PTSD? Lady:October 18, 2002, the Psychiatric News, Vol.
37, No.
20, pg 25, describes the DSM-IV-TR Criteria for PTSD.
People keep telling me what the symptoms are, and not everyone has all the symptoms.
I have not actually read a sentence that says, "PTSD is...
" I can only give you a definition from my own perspective: "PTSD is a disorder stemming from a life-threatening trauma so horrific, the psyche could not handle it.
" A young child beaten to the point his life is threatened, can be PTSD.
When memories of such horror are suppressed, and I can almost guarantee you they will be, behavior disorders will begin within a short time after the trauma.
If the trauma is not dealt with to turn it around, the behavior disorders will increase, as will the internal anger, into our adult life.
I became curious why some Vietnam vets came back diagnosed PTSD and others not, when both had been in similar battles.
After questioning all those I knew who were in Vietnam, I discovered that those not diagnosed PTSD had a fairly "normal" (though I've yet to find anyone to describe normal to me.
) childhood and were able to manage what nightmares and insomnia they may encounter.
But those diagnosed PTSD had gone into battle with an already weakened psyche stemming from a previous trauma.
Just for the sake of information, what is now called PTSD used to be called "Shell Shock.
" Juanita:I understand that it wasn't until much later in life that you discovered you had PTSD.
How did you not know? Lady: The VA diagnosed me.
After my flashback, I went to a friend, who has worked with vets for over 20 years, to get the papers for the hospital.
She had been telling me for quite a while I had PTSD, but I didn't believe her.
When I went to the VA hospital ER the next day with an acquaintance, I didn't get out until five days later.
I totally lost it in the ER and had to be put into lockdown-a place adjacent to the psychiatric ward where a patient is watched 24/7.
For the next four days in the regular ward, I spent the time with my psychiatric team understanding PTSD and why it took so long for the memories to surface and attending class.
A treatment program was set up for me, which began a couple months later.
When I had my flashback the day before, my vagina felt as though someone had taken a knife to it-and I was standing alone in my studio when the flashback occurred.
I had never been so frightened in my life.
The pain had been gone by the time I went to my friend's for the papers a few hours later.
I was still in the state of shock when my blood pressure shot up so high in ER the next day.
Juanita: Lady, it really is amazing the capacity the body has for self-preservation.
How is it that the body can disassociate so clearly from the physical experience of abuse at the time it happens, only to have the physical pain manifest years later? Lady: It depends on the state of the psyche.
During a severe trauma, the psyche will remember the physical senses-the smell, touch, sound, sight, or taste-of the trauma along with the memories of the actual scene.
Remember, the mind never forgets.
A pretraumatized psyche may shut everything off because it was too horrific at the moment to deal with it.
When it does, it creates a PTSD victim.
What most folks may not know is that PTSD works from two parts of the brain: one part is for memories; another part is for the physical senses.
It will take a remembered sense of the trauma to bring on the flashback.
In a flashback, the fear will activate the adrenal glands, pump up the heart, raise the blood pressure, heighten brain activity that will immediately bring the memories of the trauma to the forefront, and you're reliving the trauma with all of its ramifications.
All of this happens without warning and with no control.
When you smell cinnamon, you think of cookies, apple pies or someone special who cooked those things.
You don't usually remember these types of memories unless you smell the fragrance first.
Both parts of the brain are active and the physical attributes are a relaxed body and a smile on the face.
However, a flashback is usually life-threatening, and the body reacts differently.
When you remember a trauma, brought on by a physical sense, you will relive the incident nearly exactly the way it happened.
My psyche already weakened by incest and further traumatized by my family's denials, I went several years trying to make sense of it all.
Not having been taught very many life skills, I was not emotionally prepared for the Navy.
Raped when I was pregnant, the blood I saw was my blood of life.
That alone would have caused a memory shutdown, but my not being prepared very much for life, caused me to all but totally erase the memory.
Unfortunately, what the psyche shuts down in memory, shows up in body language, like anger, and behavior disorders, to name only a few.
Juanita:Would you tell us about "My Journey to Peace with PTSD"? Lady: It was written in the raw way I received things in my life.
A lot of behaviors were spelled out, but the reader also got the sense of my state of mind without my having to put everything into words: the rage; my need to be heard as a child, but denied; and the behaviors that came out after the incest and into adulthood.
But to complete the message of the book, I inserted the sections pertaining to the 10 questions that determine whether or not you are a victim of abuse and "Dealing with PTSD.
" When the book was completed and I submitted it to the editor, a burden lifted from me.
It wasn't until later I discovered that writing the book affected my adrenal glands in much the same way as a flashback would.
But rather than operating in hyper-mode for just a while as in a flashback, my adrenal glands worked overtime for several months.
Right now, I'm treating myself for exhausted adrenal glands.
This is why PTSD is so fatiguing and can age you.
The fear factors work off your adrenal glands, which raise your blood pressure, stress out the heart, and enlarge the vessels in the brain.
When the chemicals in the brain are off-balanced long enough, the serotonin required to help us feel better get low-the reason patients are put on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety.
This is not good for a long period either because it only masks the symptoms of PTSD.
The imbalance will always remain until the victim processes the traumas and makes the connections in their life.
I was told that I would be on medication for life if I didn't get therapy, or one year if took therapy.
Girlfriend, I ran to the nearest Clinical Psychologist until I could get into the VA therapist.
Juanita: Congratulations for getting help Lady.
I understand that the feeling of isolation is profound with PTSD sufferers, and victims of abuse.
What was your experience with isolation? Lady: Our society has denigrated incest and sexual abuse as something as ugly and disgusting as not to be acceptable.
Who in their right minds are going to stand up and say, "I have been raped.
I'm ugly.
" The trauma has made us feel ugly on the side inside already.
We are not going to help society by pointing ourselves and say, "You're right.
" In the past, and even to a large degree today, society has forced us to put ugly things in the closet-to hide them.
This is isolation in the worst form.
No matter how bad we are hurting, we have to keep it ourselves lest others think badly of us, or worse, liars.
PTSD victims, when in a flashback, are not in this reality.
We are very much in the other world, which is the past when the trauma occurred.
We hear the sounds, smell the odors, feel the physical pain, etc.
The PTSD victim has trust issues already, so their one thought is going to be, "Is anyone going to take advantage of me when I'm not in this reality?" This one, sentence, unuttered but in the back of brain, will force them to be with understanding partners or those of their kind-to isolate themselves from mainstream society.
Juanita: Lady, what was your turning point when you realized these were symptoms of PTSD and began your healing process? Lady:I think my healing process began after an auto accident 4 years prior to the flashback.
I impacted the windshield twice from the inside the truck.
I was not expected to survive.
The accident did take away my smoking habit and my black button (my rage).
But I think in the process of trying to get back a lot of the lost memory over the next 2.
5 years relaxed my state of being enough for the flashback to push itself to the surface.
It had been suppressed for 40 years.
Juanita:Do you think most people have some type of early trauma that may unwittingly be causing problems for them as adults? Lady:I don't think they do-I know.
I can see the problems in body languages, speech patterns, behaviors...
Watching a person for only 30 seconds, I can tell if they had been traumatized.
After relating this discovering to them, their body language will again tell me the truth if they try to lie about it.
And after a few more minutes I can often tell them how they were traumatized.
Juanita:Many people may only think of the stereotypical PTSD sufferer when they think of this disorder.
What are some of the self-destructive patterns that you see in your work that may not be so obvious? Lady: If by stereotypical you are referring to flashbacks and war veterans, there would be road rage (often misunderstood as instant anger, but is actually repressed anger); isolation/silence-someone can be quiet and aloof, but be congenial when meeting people.
Someone who is quiet, keeps to themselves, rarely smiles, moody, or has a totally masked facial expression will probably go off like a loaded gun with a hair trigger.
(I'm betting the Virginia shooter was PTSD); addiction, even only one joint or one strong drink a day-addiction isn't always blatant or extremely heavy (this is called self-medicating); compulsive behaviors, especially sexual; putting oneself in peril for thrills, to name a couple.
Police Officers, EMT's, doctors are also just few of the professionals who can be a victim of PTSD.
Juanita:Lady, why do early victims of abuse, typically attract abusers later in life? Lady: When we experience the trauma, the "state of helplessness," we unwittingly start building a fire of anger within us.
This fire becomes a heavy burden.
One of the physical attributes for this burden is sloping shoulders, which also indicates low self-esteem.
Low self-esteem begins when we are traumatized and it is not handled appropriately and/or soon after the trauma.
The more abuse there is, the more the shoulders seem to round.
An abuser can watch a victim walk across the street and see the following traits: sloping shoulders; small steps in the victim's pace (a strong woman will step out in her stride); very little eye contact (usually downcast); and when someone is always apologizing, it will show in her/his body language and on her face if (s)he's talking to someone.
Ironically, the abuser may not even be aware he is looking for these, but will recognize them to belong to someone he can abuse and manipulate.
Juanita:What can you tell us about repressed anger, and its outward manifestations? Lady:The Virginia shooter is a classic example.
Repressed anger can kill a person because of its continual stress on the body and brain; and more often than create a chemical imbalance in the brain.
It is also the most dangerous attribute of a traumatized victim because the anger can spike instantaneously and without warning.
In my experience, anger can be expressive and can even throw some people into creativity; but those with repressed anger are usually the quietist and the most dangerous.
Juanita:Lady, what was the most difficult part of recovering from PTSD for you? Lady: Sitting with the psychiatrist during my compensation and payment session, I discovered I had psychologically aborted six of my babies because of hormone imbalance from the adrenal glands.
Remember, I was raped when pregnant.
It's devastating to a woman to learn that her mind has killed her babies when all the while she had prayed for a houseful of children.
Even though I felt better after sharing the rape with my counselor, it was a long time before I reconciled with it.
It helped knowing I was a foster mother to 7 teenage foster children.
We did adopt the first one when he was 19 after three years of fostering him.
We didn't maintain contact with the rest of them.
Juanita:What drew you to your profession as a spiritual counselor? And, what part did spirituality play in your healing process? Lady:I wasn't drawn to spirituality counseling.
It was always there, even as a child.
It was just covered with a lot of "stuff.
" Having spiritual guides is often classified as New Age, but there is nothing new about it.
If one is spiritual, one has a great deal of faith.
I met my first angel when I was four.
I still talk to my angels and listen more today than I have in the past.
I don't always agree, and we do have our discussions.
But in the end, I always obey; especially if it involves another.
Spirituality played a huge part in my healing.
If you read the last section in the Epilogue of my book, you will learn where "Know You Are Loved" comes from and why.
More times than I care to count I have lost faith in myself, but never in.
When I get off my life's path, the Universe has a way of putting me back on it.
Sometimes it is abrupt and painful.
Juanita: Lady, you mentioned earlier that some of the content of your book was channeled.
Would you tell us more about this aspect of your writing? Lady:As a Spiritual Counselor I channel for my clients when they have a hard time coming up with answers and when I think they are b-s-ing me.
This is done mentally.
But one can also channel by having an entity speak through you, using your voice, or through your hands.
I'm not Shirley McLaine, by any means.
But I can slip into an altered state rather easily when riding, sitting still long enough in a comfortable chair, or deliberately meditating; I have done a lot of meditation in my life.
On the day I channeled those pages, I truly thought I was typing my own words.
But when I went back to read what had been typed, I was surprised and pleased.
Then I thought about how well the words fit with the way I had felt internally all those years, and that they weren't my words.
It was a while before I went back to the computer.
I wasn't comfortable knowing my angels could just slip through my fingers for so long a period.
Other PTSD survivors were amazed at the description because they, too, felt the fire, but didn't know how to describe it until they read the book.
Understand, Juanita, I don't consider myself having a special talent.
Anyone can do what I do.
But I must share that even though I've had moments of beautiful writing, a line here or a line there, it never had come through as what appeared on those pages.
Frankly, I'm still amazed by them.
It further attests how important the book is.
Juanita:Lady, how long have you been on your journey to peace?Will it be a lifelong journey? Lady: My journey to peace has been life long, and I am at peace now.
But it doesn't have to take a lifetime.
I may have been searching all those years, but it wasn't until I journaled my life from the trauma and working forward that I found peace.
Juanita: What are some of the best modalities for healing trauma? Lady:There are as many modalities as there are illnesses.
One person may need several healing methods to heal.
The KYAL (Know You Are Loved) Method takes one back to the original pain, or the first state of helplessness, and uses the very same senses that cemented the trauma to reverse it and turn it into a life experience.
When the method is used, it is 100% effective, with a time frame of about 2 to 2.
5 years from beginning to completion.
Juanita:Lady, how can readers find out more about you, and "My Journey to Peace with PTSD"? Lady:Our website, http://www.
peacewithptsd.
org is a non-profit created to make a safe space for those who have been abused or traumatized and health care professionals so they may learn what other folks have used to help them along their path.
It is a safe place to share.
It is very new and we will continue to work and change it as the need arises.
I receive the information, screen it for authenticity then place it on the site.
At this time there will be no means for others to interact.
All information will come to us through emails then we will place it on the site.
Needs and participants will determine the growth of the site.
It is our goal to research other modalities, support groups, etc.
located around the country and to pass this information along using the site and the newsletter.
We added the new page, "Treasures," to the site this week.
It is a page for tidbits of wisdom regarding respect, what is love, etc.
We also intend to have a quarterly newsletter based on the site but with more details, perhaps letters from others who are hurting and what they wish to see addressed on the site.
There will also be sections for health care professionals.
Anonymity will be observed at all times, unless the health care professional wishes to share their name and professions.
The newsletter is still in the planning stage, but is scheduled to debut in the spring of 2008.
I also plan to co-author the KYAL Method manual with two other women after the first of the year.
It will contain some information in my book, but with the details on how the method is used, tools needed after traumas to turn them into life experiences, the time frame for each step, and symptoms to look for at each step.
My Journey to Peace with PTSD bio and the manual will pertain to healing, but everything could not be in one book.
The book pertained to the journey; the manual will pertain to the steps used on that journey.
All funds from the organization will be used equally to help rebuild a gym in the old rock school building in our community and to assist women and children of domestic violence to obtain their own living quarters, schooling, etc-whatever we can do to help them to get on their own and to survive.
We also plan to put on lectures that will demonstrate how one builds their wall and why it doesn't protect anyone-only serves to further harm-and answer individual questions pertaining to the method of journaling to connect the dots in one's life.
Workshops will show how you can easily connect to the inner child, nurture them, and bring them back.
Everything will grow as the needs arise.
Juanita:Lady, your life story is quite miraculous, and we certainly recommend readers go to your website for more information, and to purchase a copy of "My Journey to Peace with PTSD.
"I'd like to thank you for your time and sharing your tremendous story with us today, and offer you the last word to your readers.
Lady: People say it took courage to write the book.
But it took no more courage to write it than it did to survive the trauma and live with it.
Our society has made abuse victims feel ugly and worthless because of the nature of sexual abuse.
It is my desire to help people get past their shame by showing them that they didn't ask for their abuse, that the lack of loving tools after the trauma also helped a great deal in lowering their self-esteem.
You need to look at the same elements that created the memories so that the memories can reverse themselves and turn into life experiences, not a trauma.
I can tell you that my detailed childhood memories stayed with me for over 50 years.
Journaling my life and looking at each connection of the choices on my path by going back to the first "state of helplessness," those childhood memories are now foggy.
This is healing.
The memories of the military rape and the other events that followed may take a little longer, but they, too, are in a place where they can no longer hurt me.
All the behavior disorders are gone, the anger is gone, the rare nights of insomnia are probably post-menopausal related.
Once the psyche heals, the body will follow-one is not affected without affecting the other.
You can heal from those scars, but only by going back and reopening them and allowing the fester to flow out; all the while having someone nearby holding you and saying, "Know You Are Loved.
"