"Do's" · If you know someone you love needs help and in all likelihood an intervention, always be true to your own integrity and move forward regardless of the pessimism or negative input of others.
Always look at it from the "worst case scenario" viewpoint.
If the worst were to happen, what will you regret not doing? · Plan.
I often hear about families who go into a meeting with an addict with no real game plan in place if, for example, the person gets up and walks out.
If you play it out, you might want to assign someone the person trusts to try and get them back in the meeting, saying things like, "it will only take ten minutes," or, "you don't have to say anything we just want to make an offer and tell you where things are at so you'll know.
" Or, if the person says yes, families almost never plan for this.
How the meeting will end, making sure not to "keep selling" the program.
" If your loved one agrees to go to a program then he or she will be feeling a lot of emotions like fear, nervousness, anger, and this may come out in hostility and blame, saying things like, "I'm not going for me I'm only going because you're making me go.
" These are the things that need to be planned for so you're not constantly guessing at what you're doing.
A well run intervention will always be running according to a plan, no matter what point you may be at.
The intervention begins when you start planning it and it doesn't end until the person has been successfully delivered to the facility.
Everything that takes place between those two points should be planned as well as can be, before it takes place, contingencies allowed for and back up plans in place.
If the person misses his flight - which often happens - have a backup flight or two or three in place so you can move ahead smoothly without beating the person up unnecessarily.
· Give the person the chance to agree, initially.
If they do agree give them the chance to plan their own trip.
If they screw things up then you can increase the gradient but initially give the person a chance.
· Give yourself permission to be creative and literally think outside the box.
An intervention is not a meeting with the family where loving letters are read and ultimatums are given, unless that is what you believe will work.
I have staged all sorts of things.
I have had interventions where it's just been me and one or two other people.
I have had interventions where we had fifteen people in the room including the priest, all reading loving letters, because that's what I determined would get the person to agree to go to the program.
While traditional formulas can be effective, and are good to draw from, don't limit yourself to what a book tells you or what someone says an intervention "is supposed to be.
" Your intervention for your loved one is doing what needs to be done in order to get him to agree to go to the program and to then arrive, nothing more, or less.
· Persevere.
Many families believe that if the person doesn't agree to go within a few short hours, that somehow the intervention has failed or he "isn't ready.
" This is not true.
Addicts who are dug in are GOING to fight you on going so be prepared for it and be prepared to regroup with your team again and again and to continue to come up with ways of cornering the person into a decision to go.
· Welcome objections.
Many families ask me, "what if he says 'No.
'" Not only do I expect the person to say no, but I welcome hearing exactly what his objections are.
If you don't know what the person is objecting to then you can't very well solve for those objections.
Often the initial meeting is in fact a time for the person to disagree and bellow his various disagreements.
Once this has taken place, the intervention team should regroup and go over what the persons objections are and come up with solutions for the ones that make sense, and for others, to prepare to avoid getting into a fight over them and allowing the intervention to at any point turn into a battle ground.
"Don't's" · Always plan according to what will motivate the addict, not what family members may want to do in order to have an opportunity to unload on the person.
The intervention is not a time to resolve issues, air laundry, get the person to admit anything, or for family members to make the person wrong by listing bad behavior, contrary to what you might have read or been told.
This serves no purpose other than to make the person defensive and engage the family in a no-win battle to be right about how things are.
The intervention is a time to motivate the addict to agree to the offer, to arrange getting him there and that's it.
Anything else is not necessary and should be omitted.
Families engage in all sorts of acrobatics to get the addict to admit that he has a problem, for example.
This is irrelevant.
Most of what is said during an intervention will be forgotten anyway, and in no way does a confession or a show of self-awareness during an intervention act as a measure of how well the person will do in treatment.
What the person admits to himself is one thing, and that may take some time even after his arrival at the program.
But, if you've chosen a good program then they will guide him through this on a gradient.
In addition to this the person is not in an honest or forthright condition.
If you or other members of your intervention team are pressing for the person to admit that he has a problem, or to confirm the severity of it to the family, this needs to be taken OFF the table.
· Never confront the addict.
I have been doing interventions for fourteen years and I have never confronted a single addict.
The fact that you are offering the person a recovery program is discussion enough and any unnecessary exposure of the addict, what he's been doing and so forth only serves to humili8ate the person and will not help your case.
You can deliver an ultimatum without having to confront eh person and make him wrong.
In fact, it has more power if it is delivered from the standpoint of self-preservation as opposed to being a punitive measure.
· Never give in to the demands or wants of a family member of you know it will serve no purpose or if it will work against the intervention.
For example, some people may want to "say a few things" during the intervention.
You need to know what those things are and if they serve the person speaking but not the goal of motivating the addict to go to the program then you should not allow it to happen.
· Never deliver an ultimatum as punishment.
It should always be delivered as a matter of ending off participation in the addicts current choices, and as a matter of what you are willing to be a part of, but never as a type of punishment.
· Families often want to watchdog the person, police them.
However, at first, if a person has agreed then a date and time should be set and the person should be given a chance to make the date and make their own arrangements.
It's true that many addicts will want to "blow out before they dry out," as a sort of last hurrah.
While I don't condone or promote drug or alcohol use per se, trying to keep the person away from his drug of choice before going to a program can work against you.
· Families often make the mistake of arguing these points when they really shouldn't be.
The addict should basically be acknowledged and - initially, given a chance to plan how he wants to go in, with whom, and offered a shopping trip to pick up toiletries, get a haircut, nails done or whatever.
The more a person owns the process of going the better.
I never have a bag packed and waiting because it really invalidates the persons ability to do it for himself.
He may not want to.
He may want to have a bag packed for him, but choosing that to be the case as opposed to having it thrust upon him is a much better way to go about things.
Always look at it from the "worst case scenario" viewpoint.
If the worst were to happen, what will you regret not doing? · Plan.
I often hear about families who go into a meeting with an addict with no real game plan in place if, for example, the person gets up and walks out.
If you play it out, you might want to assign someone the person trusts to try and get them back in the meeting, saying things like, "it will only take ten minutes," or, "you don't have to say anything we just want to make an offer and tell you where things are at so you'll know.
" Or, if the person says yes, families almost never plan for this.
How the meeting will end, making sure not to "keep selling" the program.
" If your loved one agrees to go to a program then he or she will be feeling a lot of emotions like fear, nervousness, anger, and this may come out in hostility and blame, saying things like, "I'm not going for me I'm only going because you're making me go.
" These are the things that need to be planned for so you're not constantly guessing at what you're doing.
A well run intervention will always be running according to a plan, no matter what point you may be at.
The intervention begins when you start planning it and it doesn't end until the person has been successfully delivered to the facility.
Everything that takes place between those two points should be planned as well as can be, before it takes place, contingencies allowed for and back up plans in place.
If the person misses his flight - which often happens - have a backup flight or two or three in place so you can move ahead smoothly without beating the person up unnecessarily.
· Give the person the chance to agree, initially.
If they do agree give them the chance to plan their own trip.
If they screw things up then you can increase the gradient but initially give the person a chance.
· Give yourself permission to be creative and literally think outside the box.
An intervention is not a meeting with the family where loving letters are read and ultimatums are given, unless that is what you believe will work.
I have staged all sorts of things.
I have had interventions where it's just been me and one or two other people.
I have had interventions where we had fifteen people in the room including the priest, all reading loving letters, because that's what I determined would get the person to agree to go to the program.
While traditional formulas can be effective, and are good to draw from, don't limit yourself to what a book tells you or what someone says an intervention "is supposed to be.
" Your intervention for your loved one is doing what needs to be done in order to get him to agree to go to the program and to then arrive, nothing more, or less.
· Persevere.
Many families believe that if the person doesn't agree to go within a few short hours, that somehow the intervention has failed or he "isn't ready.
" This is not true.
Addicts who are dug in are GOING to fight you on going so be prepared for it and be prepared to regroup with your team again and again and to continue to come up with ways of cornering the person into a decision to go.
· Welcome objections.
Many families ask me, "what if he says 'No.
'" Not only do I expect the person to say no, but I welcome hearing exactly what his objections are.
If you don't know what the person is objecting to then you can't very well solve for those objections.
Often the initial meeting is in fact a time for the person to disagree and bellow his various disagreements.
Once this has taken place, the intervention team should regroup and go over what the persons objections are and come up with solutions for the ones that make sense, and for others, to prepare to avoid getting into a fight over them and allowing the intervention to at any point turn into a battle ground.
"Don't's" · Always plan according to what will motivate the addict, not what family members may want to do in order to have an opportunity to unload on the person.
The intervention is not a time to resolve issues, air laundry, get the person to admit anything, or for family members to make the person wrong by listing bad behavior, contrary to what you might have read or been told.
This serves no purpose other than to make the person defensive and engage the family in a no-win battle to be right about how things are.
The intervention is a time to motivate the addict to agree to the offer, to arrange getting him there and that's it.
Anything else is not necessary and should be omitted.
Families engage in all sorts of acrobatics to get the addict to admit that he has a problem, for example.
This is irrelevant.
Most of what is said during an intervention will be forgotten anyway, and in no way does a confession or a show of self-awareness during an intervention act as a measure of how well the person will do in treatment.
What the person admits to himself is one thing, and that may take some time even after his arrival at the program.
But, if you've chosen a good program then they will guide him through this on a gradient.
In addition to this the person is not in an honest or forthright condition.
If you or other members of your intervention team are pressing for the person to admit that he has a problem, or to confirm the severity of it to the family, this needs to be taken OFF the table.
· Never confront the addict.
I have been doing interventions for fourteen years and I have never confronted a single addict.
The fact that you are offering the person a recovery program is discussion enough and any unnecessary exposure of the addict, what he's been doing and so forth only serves to humili8ate the person and will not help your case.
You can deliver an ultimatum without having to confront eh person and make him wrong.
In fact, it has more power if it is delivered from the standpoint of self-preservation as opposed to being a punitive measure.
· Never give in to the demands or wants of a family member of you know it will serve no purpose or if it will work against the intervention.
For example, some people may want to "say a few things" during the intervention.
You need to know what those things are and if they serve the person speaking but not the goal of motivating the addict to go to the program then you should not allow it to happen.
· Never deliver an ultimatum as punishment.
It should always be delivered as a matter of ending off participation in the addicts current choices, and as a matter of what you are willing to be a part of, but never as a type of punishment.
· Families often want to watchdog the person, police them.
However, at first, if a person has agreed then a date and time should be set and the person should be given a chance to make the date and make their own arrangements.
It's true that many addicts will want to "blow out before they dry out," as a sort of last hurrah.
While I don't condone or promote drug or alcohol use per se, trying to keep the person away from his drug of choice before going to a program can work against you.
· Families often make the mistake of arguing these points when they really shouldn't be.
The addict should basically be acknowledged and - initially, given a chance to plan how he wants to go in, with whom, and offered a shopping trip to pick up toiletries, get a haircut, nails done or whatever.
The more a person owns the process of going the better.
I never have a bag packed and waiting because it really invalidates the persons ability to do it for himself.
He may not want to.
He may want to have a bag packed for him, but choosing that to be the case as opposed to having it thrust upon him is a much better way to go about things.