Save Your Relationship, Change Your Life (Secrets of a Couples Therapist)
1.
Understand how you relate to people as an individual.
Learn your personality style (often called 'attachment style') when relating, your childhood wounding that gets in the way of healthy communication, and your needs and values.
All conflict arises from these often hidden factors, and everyone has them.
Your style is never right or wrong, but at times may function so as to be unhelpful in a relationship.
So long as this remains hidden to you, you will attract problems when relating.
2.
Learn how to recognise these personality traits in yourself, accept them and work with them.
Whenever you react, or have your buttons pushed, it is one of the above that is being triggered.
Learn the emotions that alert you to those aspects of self that are being triggered.
3.
Recognise that your style of relating may simply not work for your partner, or may even be experienced as hurtful, insensitive, callous, aloof, or upsetting in some way.
Talk through what works for the other, and what works for you, and how you can be sensitive to each other's ways and style.
4.
Come to appreciate the needs of the relationship itself (as opposed to those of each person within the relationship).
This will tell you what you can, and perhaps must, bring to the relationship in order to make it work.
5.
Now learn strategies of communicating with your partner, whilst taking into account your unique traits, and those of your partner.
Learn how to listen to what is going on within you, and express yourself, while continuing to own what is going on for you.
Allow and encourage your partner to do likewise.
Bring loving tolerance and patience when there are needs or values clashes when you talk.
6.
Notice what you do when your needs, values or wounded aspects do not get acknowledged, heard or understood in the relationship.
Notice how you project on to the other person when you are unaware of these within yourself.
When you fear not being heard, understood, valued, taken seriously or respected for who you are and what you want, conflict will then arise.
7.
Develop the skill to be able to listen to your partner, without owning, apologising for, or feeling bad about the way in which their buttons are pushed while interacting with you.
Similarly, allow them the same space not to be drawn into whatever's going on for you.
8.
Notice which of your traits do not seem to work very well in, or fail to support, this relationship.
Just notice - no judgment.
Decide how you could behave differently in support of the relationship without going to the extreme of compromising who you are.
Ask yourself 'what would love do in this situation.
" 9.
Practice communicating regularly so that you gain insight and understanding as to how you function and communicate your needs, values, desires and so on to your partner.
10.
Establish also a protocol for defusing or pre-empting conflict, while providing opportunity to talk the issues through when emotions have calmed down, and rational discussion is again possible.
Agree on how to take space when conflict arises, so that you can both come back and talk in a more emotionally settled way.
11.
Learn where, in your relationship, there are needs or values clashes.
You will have to work out ways to agree not to agree on certain issues, yet still accept each other's position.
A smart approach is to continue the journey of relationship improvement until you can say that you are living a conscious relationship in which you understand and put into action each of the above relationship tips and skills.
Understand how you relate to people as an individual.
Learn your personality style (often called 'attachment style') when relating, your childhood wounding that gets in the way of healthy communication, and your needs and values.
All conflict arises from these often hidden factors, and everyone has them.
Your style is never right or wrong, but at times may function so as to be unhelpful in a relationship.
So long as this remains hidden to you, you will attract problems when relating.
2.
Learn how to recognise these personality traits in yourself, accept them and work with them.
Whenever you react, or have your buttons pushed, it is one of the above that is being triggered.
Learn the emotions that alert you to those aspects of self that are being triggered.
3.
Recognise that your style of relating may simply not work for your partner, or may even be experienced as hurtful, insensitive, callous, aloof, or upsetting in some way.
Talk through what works for the other, and what works for you, and how you can be sensitive to each other's ways and style.
4.
Come to appreciate the needs of the relationship itself (as opposed to those of each person within the relationship).
This will tell you what you can, and perhaps must, bring to the relationship in order to make it work.
5.
Now learn strategies of communicating with your partner, whilst taking into account your unique traits, and those of your partner.
Learn how to listen to what is going on within you, and express yourself, while continuing to own what is going on for you.
Allow and encourage your partner to do likewise.
Bring loving tolerance and patience when there are needs or values clashes when you talk.
6.
Notice what you do when your needs, values or wounded aspects do not get acknowledged, heard or understood in the relationship.
Notice how you project on to the other person when you are unaware of these within yourself.
When you fear not being heard, understood, valued, taken seriously or respected for who you are and what you want, conflict will then arise.
7.
Develop the skill to be able to listen to your partner, without owning, apologising for, or feeling bad about the way in which their buttons are pushed while interacting with you.
Similarly, allow them the same space not to be drawn into whatever's going on for you.
8.
Notice which of your traits do not seem to work very well in, or fail to support, this relationship.
Just notice - no judgment.
Decide how you could behave differently in support of the relationship without going to the extreme of compromising who you are.
Ask yourself 'what would love do in this situation.
" 9.
Practice communicating regularly so that you gain insight and understanding as to how you function and communicate your needs, values, desires and so on to your partner.
10.
Establish also a protocol for defusing or pre-empting conflict, while providing opportunity to talk the issues through when emotions have calmed down, and rational discussion is again possible.
Agree on how to take space when conflict arises, so that you can both come back and talk in a more emotionally settled way.
11.
Learn where, in your relationship, there are needs or values clashes.
You will have to work out ways to agree not to agree on certain issues, yet still accept each other's position.
A smart approach is to continue the journey of relationship improvement until you can say that you are living a conscious relationship in which you understand and put into action each of the above relationship tips and skills.