Dealing with Grief:June (name changed), from Birmingham, UK, writes: "My son died in an accident recently.  I'm not sure if it was an accident, or caused deliberately by someone, but regardless, I need to know where he is.  I read an article of yours about 12 months ago that talked about the scene of a car accident, and you said, whilst you understood why people put flowers at the site, that's not where they are.  I need to know what you mean." Phil G shares his answers on dealing with grief

At this lady's request, I have changed the name and left some of the details of her enquiry out.  However she has given me permission to share my answer with others so that might help them also.  I can't recall the exact article or reply that you are referring to be but I have talked about this a few times and I mention it in my book "Soul Matters - You Can Talk With The Ones You Miss".  I understand your grief and despair.

First of all you wanted to know if it was an accident or on purpose.  I am not in "reading mode", but as I read your words "an accident" it feels wrong.  My next feeling is that it was an event that didn't turn out the way they (the ones who caused it) wanted, and it went considerably worse than what they expected.  I say this because I am being shown surprise and despair at what they can see is about to happen.  So, whilst I feel it was on purpose, I don't feel there is a laying of blame against these people for the final result (your son's death).

If I can just elaborate on this point for a moment because I commonly get questions from people who want to know about tragic circumstances.  Whether there is blame either officially laid or unofficially laid at a person or group of people, the message that comes through time and time again to me is this: Whilst they may be angry or upset or showing me the blame, there is also a feeling that there is no point doing anything about this. 

One gentleman in the New York particularly felt the need to retaliate, for the death of his son, who was coming home to celebrate his birthday when tragedy struck. The boy understands the tragic situation that occurred to him and the trauma it has caused his family, but he was at pains to explain to his father to "let it go".  They don't want us to do dwell on what has happened or on retaliation.  That statement isn't for them, it's for US.  They understand the immense stress and heartache that causes us and holding onto it over a period of time will do nothing more than make you ill.  At worst, you may end up doing something you regret.  Always in this type of situation that feeling comes through, and it's coming through now in your particular case, June: that it doesn't matter and you need to let it go. For your sake. And yes, I understand you know who caused it all, or who would most likely have caused it.  You are right.  But you need to let it go for your own health, which I feel is deteriorating.

I say that the scene of an accident (where sometimes people put a cross or flowers), is not where the spirit, or soul is now. I often have that feeling when someone is about to pass away.  They leave and quite often before everyone else realises (including the medical people) that they have died. I was surprised by a TV series that I saw recently in Australia, where they showed a girl dying in a hospital bed.  It's unusual for a TV show to get it right.  I suspect that whoever wrote this scene deeply understands what really happens.  They wrote the scene that the person was leaving the soul and walking off to the white light, prior to everyone else realising she had died.  I don't necessarily feel they go into the white light, at least straight away, but I do believe the soul often leaves their bodies before they have passed away. 

The TV show had the girl's soul leaving her body about two minutes before the alarm sounded. The doctors race in trying to revive her unsuccessfully. Whilst some would be distressed by that show and what I just shared, I wanted to share it here because I believe that is what really happens.

Why do they leave their body before the very end? I believe maybe somewhere in the deep distant future science will catch up to this and prove it right.  With all our knowledge and understanding of the human body there is so much that we don't understand particularly of the mind, of souls, and I personally believe our understanding of what happens at the final moments of death is grossly misunderstood by doctors and science.  They are looking at what appears to be correct, but I don't believe it is. What is in the reason we're spared from the final moments of death, such as in an accident?  They don't want them to go through that final moment of pain and suffering, and they take them away from the situation. I believe that happened in most cases in the Twin Towers tragedy.

So if their soul is not in their body at the final moment, where are they? The problem I have with people who think they have to keep going back to the site of an accident is that I firmly believe that's not where they are.  That may be where they were, physically, when the accident occurred.  At the moment it happen their soul has left, protected, shielded. In many many cases, they will have already travelled over to where we are, where the most important person or persons in their life are, and visited them briefly.  I have had many e-mails from people who share exactly this point.  It may have happened to you.  It's happened to me.  My mother was in hospital and she had been there for several weeks and was recuperating.  We saw her earlier in the day.  We were told by the doctors she was coming good.  I'm in bed at night, and the phone rings.  I knew the moment the phone rang she had passed away.  Why would I think that?  I had received many phone calls prior to this to say she is not well come over straight away.  On none of those occasions did I feel she had died.  And I know there are many others who have a similar experience to share.

So, if they can be with someone perhaps miles or thousands of miles away at the time they've passed away or just after that it suggests to me that they're not still at the site. When I have done readings in a situation where there has been an accident like this, I often get a little image of people standing around in horror looking at what's happened and I can feel or see the souls leaving the body, stepping back, and looking on with wonder.  Just like you see in the film "Ghost" where Patrick Swayze is standing, looking, not sure, not understanding what has just happened.

So the next question is, as Jean writes, where is her son?  I differ in my opinion from many others on this topic.  Everyone is entitled to their own belief.  But I am very confident that what I am about to say is right.  They don't go away.  After a while, they don't need to be with you because you're getting on with your life and coping and they go off and do what they need to do.  But they can come back any time you need them to.  In the case of someone who has only recently passed away, I promise they are with you.  They are beside you.  They are watching you make the dinner, look at their things, their photo, holding things that used to belong to them.

They're not trying to haunt you and they're not trying to pry.  I know they're not interested in the things you do right or wrong, or wanting to watch you have a shower!  That doesn't come into it.  They are around when you grieve and cry and mourn the loss of a loved one. They can see that, and you can feel it if you let them in. They share your tears.  They can be with you when you sit or stand, putting their arm around your shoulder and comforting you.

You don't need to just take my word for it.  You can prove this yourself.  Have a look at my site (afterlifephilg.com).  In particular, think about my book or CD or have a look at the YouTube video there. When you grieve, June and you wonder where your son is, think of him.  Talk to him.  Thank him for being with you. Just be aware of what you feel.  Not always, but nearly always, you will feel them near you.  It might be a feeling like someone touched you, or spoke to you, or a shiver up your spine.  Don't dismiss it as being silly or being imagined.  Embrace the feeling that your son is wish you.  If you want to cry, do so, but cry because you're pleased he's with you.  Not that he is gone.

You can make a place for him, such as a memorial, a nice gravesite, or a cross on the side of the road.  A special place in your house, where it reminds you of him, honours him, makes you feel he is near. Do these things for you.  Not for your son.  If you made a particular spot where you feel comfortable that your son can visit you, then he will be there when you want him to be.  But you don't have to keep going back to a particular spot to be with him.  Your son is safe in the afterlife. The Afterlife is the energy that is all around you.  And any time you need him to be, he will be with you, beside you, sharing as much as possible with you.  Embrace the feeling.

You can learn Phil's simple techinique to contact family and friends in the Afterlife, or you can ask Phil to help you